December 21, 2007

sugar & wiseguy, of one mind

wiseguy/sugar

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it's about 1923hrs and outside the rain was falling down. the flash of lightning and the rumble of thunder streaked and echoed in the skies. i was in my room, cleaning my camera. then i flicked my camera to 'on', i pressed the review button and scanned through the images on my memory card until i found the one i was looking for. i've uploaded this one, i thought. i've uploaded a few pictures of her on flickR. i didn't know exactly why; from a photo student point of view, i guess to me they were just good pictures of an equally good looking (involuntary) model. i had taken those pictures without her knowing. it's not like i'm voyeuristic; it's just that, when the light strikes her eyes and face at just the right angle.. she turns from being pretty into simply beautiful..

.. but then again of course i'd say that, after all. i looked at the pictures on the camera again, smiled. i sighed and looked out the window, and not for the first time i found myself wondering

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if he was thinking of me? if he really meant what he said on that 'prank', of he course he would be right? but maybe i'm doing a bit too much wishful thinking. i don't know for sure, do i? after all, he said it was a prank. and him being him.. it may well have could be. but still..

what about those pictures? the way they were taken, and the way he seems almost.. almost reverent in the way he never captioned them. but most of all it's those stolen glances he gives me whenever he thinks i'm not looking. oh god, this is so perplexing. i wish i could just ask him. but what would i say? and what would it look like if i did? he knows i'm with arrows.. but maybe that's gonna change. i don't want to make a fool out of myself if it turns out it was a prank after all.

i lay down on my bed and hugged my Hello Kitty plush toy tight. beside me was my diary and sketchbook; inside the diary were my jottings, which, of late, have often been about.. him. and in the sketchbook were drawings of.. him. oh i miss him..! i wish i could tell him that. maybe if i did he'd open up and tell me the truth. maybe he'd tell me how he really feels

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about her. these feelings have been growing. i think ever since that prank i haven't been talking much to her. it's kinda sad in a way. but ever since i almost blew my cover i've been.. somewhat avoiding her to a certaint extent. we still talk and joke but it's lessened. the only explanation i can give is that i'm afraid that my words would slip. i do not want to interfere with her life, because, to me at least, her life is going on just as fine as butter.

everytime i pass her by, or talk to her, or see her, in college, i get these odd palpitations of the heart, and i feel a dull, aching throb within me. she takes my breathe away. everything about her. her looks, her wit, her personality. call me cliche, call me predictable, but in the end what else would so attract me to her?

still holding the camera, i flicked it off. i thought of maybe sending her a text message, or even a call, just to say hi. but i decided against it. i'd freeze; i just knew i would. i guess outside, in college, i have the protection and fallback of the other friends to depend on. but not when i'm alone. i would have nothing to say.. nothing except

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i love you. i wish i could hear those words coming from him right now. i just want to know, and i just want to be sure. those words would make the happiest girl alive. i may not be fully there yet, but as surely as the tide rushes to shore, i know in my heart that i am falling in love with him. maybe it's been his rather uncharacteristic quietness lately that has ignited a fire within me. maybe it's the simple fact that i find myself missing him so much. whatever; i know i'm falling in love with him.

but i don't want to end up a broken hearted fool. that's why i have to know whether or not he really meant it. all the signs point to a big, reassuring YES but the only way i can know for sure is if i can hear it come out of his own mouth; in his own voice and from his own heart. i scribbled my name and his in my diary for probably the hundredth. i cupped my chin in my hands and thought how

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i could have fallen in love in the first place? was it

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his smile? the way he speaks to me? or maybe

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it was in the way she always laughs at the things i joke about? whatever.. she is so beautiful to me. i wish i can tell__

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him that i feel like i wanna hold his hands, and

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maybe play around with her fingers before i could look into her eyes and say

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i love you/i love you.


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7 comments:

Rasyiqah Khairul Anuar said...

Oh my god oh my god! Sweetnye! :) :) :)

farah fazanna said...

i like the last part.
tapi kenapaaaaaaaa la wiseguy ni slow sangat!

wani ezryl * said...

yah. jgn fikir2 lg.. make a move! lol :P

datin azrin said...

saya suka yang ini the most!! =))

nurdini izni said...

creative! :DD
i love this post. huhu

jas said...

haha,
sweeet :)

i'm falling in love with twaay :D

Francesca said...

i like the flow of this post, from wiseguy to sugar to wiseguy again.. :)
sweet..