April 2, 2008

so there it is

"bye sweetness..", sugar said as she shut the car door. wiseguy gave her a cat kiss; he squeezed his eyes shut. sugar smiled. he waved and drove off, slowly at first ("if", he had said once, "i drive away to quickly it means i want to get away from you. so when i drive away, i'll do it slowly, to show that i'm reluctant to leave your side") and then he picked up speed as his car left her street. sugar watched as his the vehicle until it finally turned a corner, where it went out of her sight.

she sighed a little sigh, and went inside. her mama was laying out dishes on the dinner table: ikan pari asam pedas, sambal belachan, steamed spinach with garlic and ikan gelama masin. the sight of those dishes made her stomach rumble and her mouth water.

"mama, evie nak makan nasi!", she proclaimed as she closed and locked the door behind her.

"you", her mama said, "go freshen up first. and then call your daddy down and then we'll have dinner"

so sugar took the stuff she had bought up to her room, went to tell her daddy that dinner was ready and she herself then freshened up and changed into her 'house' clothes: a simple worn t-shirt and shorts. she went down, where her daddy and mama were already at the table spooning rice and condiments. she joined them.

the family talked and joked over dinner. sugar loved this. she loved being with her parents over food. parents and food. to her, that was a heavenly combination. she wouldn't need anything else... other than wiseguy, maybe.

when they finished dinner (sugar had had 3 helpings of rice; she felt full and somewhat sleepy.. but this was normal for her) she helped her mother wash up and afterwards sat with her daddy watching tv and chatting. her mama joined them at the lounge, and asked her:

"so is wiseguy going?"

sugar was quiet. she had talked to both her mama and daddy about it. both of them had the same opinion: she should let him go on that course. but they had told her in different ways. while her mama told her "let him pursue that dream, and i'm sure he'll come back to you. he is a good, and more importantly, honest, person". her daddy had said it in this way: "a man has to have a future. if that is his future, then let him fulfill it. in the end he'll use it to make sure you have a future as well".

sugar adored that her parents were being supportive of her. she thought how mama liked wiseguy more than she had liked arrows. her daddy, in particular, took an instant liking to wiseguy, calling him 'a smart lad'. she had been so thankful. she remembered that daddy didn't like arrows at all.

now her mama was asking if wiseguy was going.

"uhm..", she said. mama was looking at her whilst daddy was pretending not to listen although, sugar knew by heart, that he was paying full attention to this conversation.

"evie, you have to tell him what you think..~". her mama coaxed.

her shoulders slumped. "i will mama.."

the three of them continued watching television, and conversation moved on to other matters. finally sugar excused herself and went up to her room. she sat at her desk and flipped open her pink vaio. she already knew what she was going to tell wiseguy; but she needed a catalyst. and she knew she was going to find it.

in cyberspace.

she went to wiseguy's flickr page. she browsed through all the photosets and pictures, including the ones of her. she smiled when she saw that this time wiseguy had put captions beneath her pictures. one of them said 'girlfriend saya yang pelik". she laughed a little. she went on admiring wiseguy's pictures. she knew nought about the details behind them, but she knew enough to say the pictures were gorgeous. scenery, people. she particularly loved a set of pictures showing children, his own little cousins, at play.

then she skipped back to a portrait of her. the one that just earned him a shot at becoming even better than he already is. it was a very flattering photograph.. soft focused with a natural light illuminating her features. it made her feel beautiful. the fact that he loved her made her feel beautiful. she sighed. catalyst. she grabbed her phone.

it took only 2 rings. he picked up.

"you've reached the national helpline for transsexuals, how may i help you?", wiseguy said over the phone.

"so that would make you gay, then?", she said straight away. she smiled.

"okay that back-fired. hi sweetness.."

"hey wiseguy.. are you busy?"

"no, not really. i was just.. well, just doing nothing, really"


"yup yup. saya sedang memalas. ehehe.."

"hee.. uhm.. sayang..?"


maybe it was in her mind, but she could feel that wiseguy was holding his breath.

"sayang.. i want you to go on that course..", she said, almost forcibly.

he was silent for a moment.

"sayang, you're gonna have to tell the organizers by next week kan? and all that was stopping you was because you asked me if i wanted you to stay.. so now i'm telling you that i want you to go. you deserve to go. it's a dream of yours..", she said.

wiseguy blew softly into the phone. "for real, sayang?"

"for real", she replied. "it's just.. it's just that.."

"..what, dearest?"

she broke into tears. "it's just that i hope you didn't have had to ask me if i wanted you to stay. it was hard because i knew you'd stay if i had asked you to, betul tak?"

"..yeah.. sayang, don't cry. i'm sorry. but i had to ask you..."

"i know! that's so like you to be selfless! i was so torn between letting you pursue your dream or asking you to stay with me!"

"i'd still stay if you ask me to, you know that..", wiseguy said quietly.

"no. i want you to go. i know i'd feel guilty for life if i deny you this right now. so i want you to go..", she sobbed. "besides, we're living in the 21st century. we'll still be connected in some way or the other"

silence from him.

"sugar i love you..", he said.

"i know", she replied. "i love you too. that's why i'm letting you do this okay? ngada-ngada!"

they laughed a little. then they were quiet again.

"so it's in 3 months time?", sugar asked.

"yeah.. 3 months time..", he said.

"plenty of time..". she could see in her mind he was smiling at the other end of the phone.



"however far away, however long i stay..", he said. then both of them finished that sentence in unison.

"i will always love you"



nuraainaa said...

sedihnyaa.. :(

sadness palpable.

nurdini izni said...

awww :D