July 12, 2008



as the late morning turned the rain finally stifled off into a fine mist and stopped altogether. rays of golden sunlight pierced the gray clouds, making little searchlights fall onto the earth below. the rays of sunlight seemed to promise a brighter, better afternoon for Kuala Lumpur.

"if you believe in love, there's always hope for a better tomorrow"

those words suddenly echoed in the caverns that were my thoughts. the cold cup of coffee was already long gone and in it's place was a... new cup of coffee. i needed it. it seemed to wash the bitterness away from times like these, when phrases such as the one above ran through my mind.

with a drink in one hand, i walked around my living room. i was almost in a trance, aimless and lost yet focused at the same time. i ran my fingers through the vestiges of memories that were left: pictures in Memory Lane photo-frames, gifts, candles. The subtle scent of your perfume hung in the air, causing me, for one moment, to think that you had passed me by.

i stopped by the mirror that stood just beside the door. i looked at myself in it: my eyes were pockets of darkness on my face, and my clothes hung a little more loose than usual. staring closer i saw that my cheekbones were more prominent; i had definitely lost some weight.

and perhaps part of myself.

in a crystalline but cruel manifestation of thought i saw you in the mirror with me; you smiled, wrapped your arms around my waist and whispered into my ear "everything is gonna be okay".

but it was only for a swift moment. the exact instant i smiled at that... hallucination, i suppose, the image of you faded away as quickly as it had come. all that was reflected in the mirror was my empty living room, and a person who looked tired.

some time ago when it all had began to turn into a downward spiral, i had tried to promise myself that there would not be times like these.

but seeing the image of me, on my own, in an empty apartment caused a part of my heart to shatter and the memories to come flooding back.

i sighed, fighting tears, and went back to the sofa. i took sips of my coffee, and tried to distract myself by thinking about what activity i should do today(since i had already wasted a good part of the morning doing nothing): go eat, meet friends, visit mama and abah, go shopping?

in the end it didn't matter what i did or would be going to do.

like the skies outside my window, my heart was a cloud, and those little rays of sunlight piercing it were images of you.

i was missing you.

where are you now, and what were you doing? i didn't know, nor did i actually want to find out.

people create history while weaving love. how true. with a coffee in my hand, i was forcing myself yet again to think about what happened.

forcing myself to look at the fabric that was our love, to see if we had missed a stitch.


(to be continued)



nuraainaa said...

"like the skies outside my window, my heart was a cloud, and those little rays of sunlight piercing it were images of you."

he really really misses her.. :'(

farah fazanna said...

ala sedihnya..