.. and Ten

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[5 years ago]

"oh look, it's starting to rain", you said. we were standing outside our campus building. ahead of us was the student parking lot. you held out your hand and watched as a few droplets of water fell on it. pretty soon it the drops fell faster.uh oh. you quickly brushed your hand on my shirt.

"oh thank you very much", i said sarcastically, but with a smile. you only smiled a lovely smile.

"you're welcome", you said. "now come on, let's start walking or we're gonna get soaked!"

you took my hand in yours and we dashed across the small boulevard that separated the building and the parking lot. we were running with our free hands on our foreheads to shield the rain from our face. it really didn't work so well though. but we managed not to get too wet as we entered the car.

"that was fun now wasn't it?" you said, laughing.

"no. i don't like getting wet", i replied. "my notes almost got ruined!"

"haha. you'll be fine. you're smart enough without notes"

you were in the drivers seat. you started the engine and backed out. we were going on a lunch date. this was only, like, our sixth or seventh date as an official couple.i was happy as can be.

"where are we gonna eat?", you asked.

"i feel like nasi campur at Taman Melawati", i said.

"yeah? where exactly?"

"there's this awesome Minang restaurant; it's near the post office row. know that place?"

"oh ya, my dad took me there once. Minang Sahur or Subuh or something like that right?", you turned to me.

"haha, it's Minang Saiyo actually. but yeah, that's it. they have the best beef rendang", i said enthusiastically. i was already tasting the tender pieces of beef in my head. you looked at me again and smiled. you took the car there. we arrived there just before all the lauk ran out. when we finished lunch we sat there for a moment, talking.

"you know what i've realized this past few weeks?", you said.

"what dear?", i said while sipping some iced lemon tea. or rather iced lime tea.

"ever since we got together i've gained some weight"

"is it somehow my fault?"

"i never said it was"

"but you're impling it is kan?"

"haha yes. but don't fret. it's because i'm happier than before". at this you smile sweetly at me whilst leaning back and rubbing your belly. i pinched your stomach.

"ouchh!" you exclaimed loud enough that a pakcik eating his lunch looked our way. i tried not to laugh but couldn't contain it in. i coughed on iced tea, whilst simultaneously laughing.

"padan muka", you said amiably. we talked for a few minutes then decided to leave. heading back towards KL, we stopped by Taman Tasik Titiwangsa for an afternoon stroll. the rain had stopped when we were having lunch, and the sun was creeping out of the clouds, sending golden spears of light downwards.

"look at Kuala Lumpur", i pointed out. we both glanced at the lovely skyline of Malaysia's capital city.

"beautiful, isn't it?" i asked, somewhat to myself.

"like a painting", you concurred. we took a seat on a bench public enough for us not to get caught for 'indecency'. you held my hands. for a moment we just sat there looking at each other. a faint blush rose to your cheeks, which i pointed out immediately.

"why are you blushing?", i asked bemusedly.

"nothing", you said sheepishly.

"come on, tell me. or not i'll pinch your tummy again"

"haha, okay fine. no tummy pinching", you said. you held my hands tighter. "it's just that, well... i know we've only been seeing each other for like months rather than years, but somehow i can see myself..." you trailed off.

"see yourself what?" i pressed.

"i see myself spending the rest of my life with you, of course", you grinned.

i smiled back. "and what do you see?"

"well.. we'll be married in like 4 years or so from now. we're gonna stay in a nice, cozy apartment. in Kuala Lumpur of course. and near my parents. and near your parents", you said.

i smiled again. i was loving you more and more. "and?"

"hmm, we'll both have good jobs. and we'll be happy. then we're gonna have kids. and they're gonna be the most beautiful babies ever."

"well, that's a given since they're gonna have the most beautiful parents ever", i said, laughing. "tell me more", i beckoned. and so you did. you said that we were going to be successful young talents in our fields of interest. you said that maybe we're even going to be famous. you said that we were going to send our children to the best schools. and you talked about more lovely dreams and hopes. and you said this half-jokingly. i sensed a determination to make these visions happen beneath your eyes.

"you know how i can see these things?", you finally asked.

"how sayang?" i said, my heart filling with love and affection for you.

"because i love YOU", you said and placed a finger on my lips, which i kissed softly. "because i love you, and even though this is just the beginning, i KNOW we're gonna be together for all time..."

we had smiled at each other, our smiles carrying hope.. and promise. the sun was not quite out, still hidden behind clouds. but it's rays of

[5 years later]

..golden sunshine streamed in through the windows of my bedroom, and lighted on my eyes. i woke up, my eyes squinting. i glanced at the bedside clock: 1000hrs, Sunday morning. when i could open my eyes better, i saw that my bedroom light wasn't turned off. i yawned and stretched. instinctively i glanced beside me. an empty space. of course.

i got out of bed and turned off the light. i looked out the window, and saw beautiful blue skies and cotton-candy clouds. whatever remnants of yesterdays rain had now gone. it could come back later, but as of now, it was beautiful. i determined that i would go out today. maybe go window shopping, or maybe i'll visit my parents. or friends. or go out on a date? whatever. just as long as i don't spend the day like yesterday.

i took a shower, feeling much better than yesterday. of course last night i had dreamed about 5 years ago. it was alright. it was a bitter memory to swallow, but like medicine, it made me feel better. i finished showering and dried up, got dressed.

as i stepped out of my bedroom, i glanced at the apartment. there were no longer pictures of you and me around. i had taken them down. the apartment was neat, because i kept it that way. you were always the messy one anyway. now you were not going to be around to make a mess anyway.

i made myself coffee, and laced it with lots of brown sugar. i liked it sweet. you had liked it bitter, i remember. i smiled at the thought. i went to the lounge, and put on some jazz on the stereo. i quietly sat down drinking my coffee, in a moment of reflection, like often i do whenever i have those bad days of memories.

i was feeling much better. the bitterness and the sadness i felt yesterday, when i had been questioning the whats and whys to the destruction of our relationship were now being diluted by a sense of calm and of course sweet coffee. there were some parts of the separation that i just couldn't bear to remember anyway.

i thought of you for a moment. i had loved you back then.. and even now, i still love you. maybe differently, but it is love all the same. i thought about five years ago, and your visions of the future. well.. some of them came true. and maybe you're making the rest of it come true with someone else now. i pray you're doing well.

i know i can't afford to be bitter all my life. i guess whatever that happened was just meant to happen. there is a Higher Power than us. maybe we were just meant to be separated. maybe there is and will be a better future for both of us. i choose to believe so, even without you by my side.

no matter what happens, no matter what i do, or who i end up with before i die, i think that some part of me will always belong to you, and i hope some part of you belongs to me as well. you were my best friend, my dream lover, my wonderful spouse. i cherish everything. and i blame you for nothing..

and Wiseguy, in one way or the other, i'm always going to be your sayang, your love, your Sugar. i miss you, i said in my mind. i took a sip of coffee. then i smiled softly. i'll be alright. this isn't the end of the journey of life and love. i believe i'll find my forever happiness one day. but i know that even then, a part of me deep down my heart, i suppose, will always be talking with an alternate you.

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-end-

Muhammad Edwan Shaharir

2008

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