August 24, 2008



the night grew deeper, and the streets around my apartment complex got quieter. i felt a headache, probably from sleeping too much today.

i had fixed myself now a mug of hot Horlicks. i opened the sliding door to my balcony and rested my elbows on the railing, holding the hot drink in my hand.

i stared out into the distance, towards Kuala Lumpur. the rain had stopped, and the night air was cool. i blew a strand of hair that had fallen on my face. what an unproductive day, i thought. i had spent the day doing nothing at all but laze around, eat and brooded over my own thoughts and memories.

like i said, the memories were now only bittersweet. that is, there were only the bittersweet memories playing around in my head. i had pushed the bad ones out some moments ago. i even managed a smile when i remembered the sweeter somethings.

one day you had called me at work, saying that you were craving tuna sashimi and wanted to go out that night for dinner at a Japanese restaurant we usually frequented. unfortunately i had tons of work to do that day and couldn't promise i would make it for dinner.

so we can't go tonight? you had asked.

no dear, i'm sorry, i had answered.

it's alright, maybe some other time lah.

and sure enough, i came back home quite late that night; but not without a surprise. on my way back i managed to get some sushi and sashimi from a nearby supermarket. i thought it would be a nice way to satisfy your craving. that was, of course, until i arrived home and saw you had bought a spread of sushi and sashimi.

since we couldn't go, i thought i'd bring it home, you had said.

apparently i thought the same, i had replied while holding up a bag of sushi and sashimi. then we broke into laughter, and proceeded to eat as much sushi as we could. there was enough for a family. we had ate until we felt like vomiting.

which eventually i did.

i laughed at the memory. the wind swept most of the laughter, carrying it further. i sipped my Horlicks. again, i gazed into the distance. where were you tonight, i wondered. with a new friend? a new love? i could never guess. it did not matter anyway. i said a prayer, wishing for your well being and happiness.

i went back inside, straight to the bedroom. i put aside my drink and laid down on the bed. i glanced at the empty space beside me. ever since our separation, i had chosen not to sleep on your side. i felt it was not nice to do so. i guess it was a way of me to remember the good times, when i could lay in bed with you beside me.

don't mug the blanket! i had said one night long ago.

i'm not mugging the blanket; it's you who doesn't fit, haha, you had teased.

i smiled again to myself. sure, the other side was empty now. but the memory of the person lingered there.

it's strange that i could continue loving you even now. the love has taken a new form i suppose. it's no longer as passionate or intimate. i cannot do that anymore. this love has now taken form as a memory, sometimes painful sometimes not, but often bittersweet and crystal clear. in a way, i have moved on. i've seen some people, and some of them have made me smile.

the only thing is i guess i'm holding out for something special. when that is, i don't know. even if it doesn't happen, i will be content with having you as my last memory of love.

i drank my Horlicks to the last drop, and curled up inside the blanket we had shared, on the bed we had talked on, made love on, even argued and fought on. it was okay, i thought.

wherever you are, i'll always pray for you.

and so i ended a day of thinking, remembering and sleeping by falling asleep, with the lights on.

but at least i did not cry to sleep. i'd like to think there was a smile on my lips.


hold on;
'Ten' will follow, and finish, TWaAY III..


nuraainaa said...

ending so soon?


hope it's a happy ending. :)

nurdini izni said...

ishh aainaa ni sebok je ckp bnde yg same i nak cakap :l

i hope this wont b another dream; divorcing with an alternate you :P

muhammad edwan shaharir said...

haih siblings ni.