August 20, 2008



the apartment was dark as i jolted suddenly out of my prolonged nap. it was already maghrib. i yawned and stretched my limbs, squeezing my eyes as i did so. i rearranged the messed up sofa and stood up.

glancing outside, i saw it was still raining, though not as heavily and without a light and sound show. i smirked, thinking that the SMART Tunnel better be doing it's job. even through the rain-stained window, the lights of Kuala Lumpur beckoned at me.

i walked to my bathroom for a shower. as i stood there undressing my mind somewhat casually thought about you being in the same room as me; a gentle heat rose to my cheeks, and i closed my eyes to let the thought go away. it seemed inappropriate, now that we weren't together. i wrapped a towel around myself and chucked my worn clothes into a laundry basket.

i stood with my head bowed under a steady cascade of very warm water. my eyes were closed. it was relaxing. in my mind i saw the bathroom door opening, and a voice from yesteryear calling out.

you look very nice standing under a shower, you had said.

i thought there were rules about opening bathroom doors; but since you're already there, care to join me?, i had said. you looked as if you were giving it thought.

no, i want to prepare dinner for us, haha. and you had closed the bathroom door, trailing laughter, and left me to finish showering. i had smiled with a mixture of amusement, embarrassment and exasperation.

i remember you had jumped me as i got out of the shower, and we had made love instead of dinner.

i opened my eyes and washed my face to rid myself of that memory. most of the painful stuff were beginning to fade, though, God forbid, they'll probably return again the next time i end up stuck at home with nothing to do.

the memories that were in my mind now were the bittersweet ones.

i turned off the tap and dried myself; i got dressed and proceeded to the kitchen to prepare dinner; but instead i found myself ordering pizza over the phone. you loved pizza, i remembered. it was always Domino's, always Extravaganzza. you could finish a whole large one by yourself. so it was that pizza i ordered.

when the pizza arrived i made some iced lemon tea and sat down in front of the television. there were some good shows on tonight. so i ate my pizza, drank my tea and watched television by myself. when the phone rang i rushed to get it. it was mama, asking me how i was and if i was going to be visiting anytime soon.

yeah, of course, i'll come by tomorrow, i said. mama and i small talked for a few minutes and we hung up.

when the good television show finished i saw that i had eaten half of the pizza. i packed it into plastic containers and stuck them in the fridge. what now? i thought. but then i grabbed a notebook and a pencil and began scribbling, doodling, almost randomly.

absently, i wrote:

as days go by i find that strangely i miss you in intervals.
on days like this when i'm doing nothing i miss you so much.
but on other days it's like i'm okay and don't think so much.
it's been 2 years now since we went separate ways.
i still don't understand why.
maybe i still love you or maybe i'm just taking time to heal.
but i'll remember you always.



nuraainaa said...

thank you for making the story not so sad.

i feel better.


nurdini izni said...