August 15, 2008



and there i was dreaming of you and the day it ended. i don't remember the details: paperwork, legal advice, etc. just the moment when the sound of shattering glass in the caverns of my heart seemed to send out echoes into the outside world.

you had come back again later that fateful night, looking sad yet oddly calm. i had been sitting in this very living room, just waiting for your return. you had locked the door behind you and turned to face me, still with an expression of conflict on your face.

is it another person? i had asked.

no, it's not. like i said, it's me. i feel like i don't belong here, you had said.

what do you mean? how can you possibly feel that way? are you not happy with the way things are?

it's not like that at all. it's just that i..

you paused. i had given you a long, hard look. what? what my love? i had asked.

you know, sometimes i wish it was another person. maybe it'd be easier to explain then, you had said.

but, you had continued, i'm not cheating on you. and that's the truth. i still love you, but somehow i don't think we should be together anymore.

it's been only little more than a year! i had almost yelled.

i know, you had said. but in this time i feel lost, and aimless. i feel like i'm not living my life the way i should.

those words shocked me. they really had. even more so when you said:

i want to be free of commitments.

a sudden loud crashing of thunder woke me from sleep. i got up too quickly and suffered a head-ache as the blood rushed out of my head; i sat up feeling dazed for a moment, my world spinning. outside, the rain continued to pour. it was just one of those wet, wet days. a small voice inside me told me to get out of the house regardless, go do something to take your mind off things.

i could not. it was getting late in the afternoon now, almost approaching evening. the weather outside made me feel heavy and strained. i did not feel like doing anything at all. still dazed, i leaned back on the sofa. the quiet apartment was quite dark, so i switched on a table lamp. i sighed.

somehow back in the day i thought a sacrifice for love would be noble, honorable and rewarding; that when you measure the strength of your heart for someone you love, you would be blessed with a happiness more than you could hold.

i had made that sacrifice. foolishly, i thought you would come back to me when i had let you go. i had then spent night after night, wishing, praying, hoping, wanting and needing for you to come walking into that apartment into my arms again.

but that did not happen. sure, life had went on. i went to work. ate. talked. almost on autonomy. like i wasn't in control. the only thing i was conscious of was wanting you back. and of course, the friends and family had come and left, and they had said words of the kindest intent.

but intent did not and could not turn back the clock.

in time it had ended officially on paper and in that life of.. ours? there is no 'ours' now.

i crashed myself back on the sofa. no, i did not want to do anything on a weekend like this. sometimes the memories are just too vivid, even if, i realized, they actually don't hurt you as much as they did. but they still hurt, all the same.

i'm sorry. but to go on would be lying to myself, and lying to you, you had said.

do you love me? i had asked.

i still do. maybe. but i don't think this lifetime is meant for us.

so what now? you're on your own? free? solitary?

i guess. it's what i want.

then what about what i want!? i had hissed through gritted teeth.

i can't give you what you want, you said, to which i only remained silent to.

i twisted on the sofa, and lay on my stomach, resting my head on the cushion. i should probably take a shower and prepare myself some dinner or something.

but right now, i just want to say a little prayer for myself, and sleep, and dream everything away.



Zuliana said...

funnily enough, when i was feeling so down you had to come up with the sweetest posts ever and when i'm extremely happy you go and write depressing ones.
why edwan, why?? hahaha

Anonymous said...

ive to agree with zizi. lols

how could she?


muhammad edwan shaharir said...

zizi: haha, strange coincidences ;P

dalila: depressing ke? ok je? haha.