A Prequel

i remember the day when all this became magical. i'm sure you still do.

we had known each other for almost a year then. you liked calling me 'wise guy' because i always came out with one-liners and other verbal zings. i called you 'sugar' because you were never without something sweet in your hands; candy, ice cream, whatever. and throughout that time i began to like you, and slowly i began falling for you. by then i'd been giving out hints about my ever growing feelings for you and i was so sure you were getting my signals, but you weren't saying anything about it. you just went on as per usual. then suddenly you began to cut me off. you wouldn't return my calls or even see me on campus. i was fighting a growing rebellion now. i had to tell you.

it was a balmy day, a day that would rain, when i saw you sitting at a cafe we frequented as i passed by in my car. you were with your friends; our friends, i should say. i knew this was my one chance to tell you. i parked my car and went directly to your table.

"we need to talk", i said as i pulled up a chair and sat facing you. you just look at me with a vacant expression. our friends, sensing an inevitable emotionally charged moment, backed off.

i looked at you directly in your eyes.

"sugar, i am in love with you." i said. "i am in love with you and i want you to know that. i am in love with you because ever since we met, i've found myself thinking about you almost endlessly. more than that, i am in love with you because i'm finding out that i care too much, so much about you. i know i am in love with you because it breaks my heart when i see you, and it breaks my heart even more when i think that i could never ever be with you, or when i worry that you may not feel the same way. i'm telling you this now because you've been avoiding me for reasons i can't quite fathom. i'm telling you this now because i know that even if it is a long shot, at least i told you how i feel. it hurts so badly when you're not talking to me anymore, or when you seem to refuse seeing me.

"maybe i can't explain this, and maybe there will never be true reasons as to why i'm feeling the way i am; but i am telling you this now, and i want you to know and believe this even if you don't love me: i love you, with every inch of my heart"

i finished that small unrehearsed speech, even if i thought then that it was probably incoherent gibberish to you. i look into your eyes; those eyes that i drown in it's shining beauty.

you stared back at me, and almost absently, you got up and left. you left.

i watched you walk away. our friends began to leave as well; some of them offered me a consoling pat on the back; some just smiled sadly as if to say it was, at least, a good try. by this time i was too stunned by your abrupt departure to say anything. i just clasped my hands together under my chin and sat there at the cafe. outside it was already raining.

after awhile i ordered a glass of kopi-o, just for a bit of warmth to my bones. in my mind i still had you lingering; i didn't know what i expected when i told you all that, but i sure as hell didn't expect you to just get up and leave. my heart at this point was, i guess, slowly breaking apart. i finished my kopi-o and walked back to my car. even in the now heavy rain, i took heavy and slow footsteps.

i unlocked the rustbucket of an automobile i had, and was about to climb in when i heard your voice behind me:

"hey wise-guy."

i spun around and there you were, standing in the rain in front of me. unconsciously, i shut the door of my car so the interior wouldn't get soaked.

"hey....hey you", i stuttered back. you take a step closer towards me.

"i'm sorry about...well, getting up and just rushing off like that..", you said.

"it's..it's alright. i'm sorry too..maybe i shouldn't have told you all that.. that crap..", i said.

"..crap? no... please don't call it that.."

"sorry..it seemed like a good idea. maybe just somethings i had to say out loud..or not."

you were silent for about 10 seconds or so, but in the pounding rain and in the moment we were in, it felt like an hour. then you said:

"can i ask you something?"

"..yeah..yes. of course," i reply.

"aren't you afraid of making a mistake?"

"about what?"

"falling in love. with me. loving me."

i paused for a moment to gather my thoughts.

"no." i said.

"no?"

"no. i'm not afraid of making a mistake."

"why..? what if it was?"

"if it was a mistake.. then i'd learn from it. but i'm not afraid of loving you. falling in love with you was, is, and will probably be the best thing in my life. i think that..i think that people create history when weaving love; and even if you won't love me back, i can look back at this moment in time and be thankful that i met someone like you; that i loved someone like you...so no... i'm not afraid of mistakes.." i said.

again you pause for a moment. your eyes were red by now; i could tell you were crying, your tears mixing in with the rain. i guess people passing by must have thought we were loons to be talking to each other in the rain.

"i didn't mean to stay away from you.." you finally said. "i didn't mean to avoid you or not return your calls."

"then why did you..?" i asked, honestly curious.

"i was afraid of making a mistake. i've been hurt before. and i once said to myself that i never wanted to be hurt again... i admire you, wise guy, because you're not afraid of making a mistake..especially in something as big as falling in love.."

i stood silent at this. i didn't know what to respond to you. i was about to say something (probably gibberish), when you spoke again.

"you say that you love me. that you love me because you can't stop thinking about me, because you find yourself caring so much about me. i feel so honored; so touched when you told me all that; when you told me that you love me.." you said.

"i meant it.. for whatever its worth, i meant...i love you, sugar. i truly love you..", i said. amazingly i, too, was on the verge of breaking up. i looked down at my shoes so you wouldn't see that i was (maybe) about to cry.

"well..i have only one thing left to ask, wise guy.."

i looked up to you; your eyes were down, but in your cheeks was an obvious blush that was clear even in the rain.

i flung my arms around. "so ask me.."

"one last question.."

you stepped closer. we looked each other in the face, raindrops streaming down our cheeks. finally you asked your question:

"will you hold me close..hold me tight in your arms right now so i could tell you that i truly, deeply, love you too...?".


:)

Beach

it's a beautiful night as we drive up the beach. the skies are clear and the stars are twinkling in the sky. a moon sits abreast the sky, three-quarters full and bright. you get out of the car first, and carry a blanket which you lay down on the sand. while you make yourself comfortable on the blanket, i take out a thermos of hot chocolate and a small packet of white marshmallows. i pour the chocolate into 2 mugs brought from home, and add the marshmallows in.

i bring the 2 mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows to where you are seated. as i sit down, you give me a nudge and almost make me spill most of the drinks. you laugh apologetically and pat the ground beside you, to which i obligingly take a seat. i hand you the mug of chocolate. you sip, and smile warmly.

"how is it?", i ask.

"delicious..although chocolate hardly seems the drink for a night sitting at the beach, don't you think?", you say.

i smile at her. "you had two options: but since we couldn't drink beer, it was only actually one choice."

"which doesn't make it a choice", you say with a seriousness underlying the mischief in your eyes. i stare at you at a moment. "fine" i finally say. "but you're enjoying it anyway."

the seriousness fades away in your voice; now the mischief in your eyes takes over. "yes i am. because it's good chocolate and it makes me feel warm. now hold me. we can make out."

i laugh at this. but you come near me, and you take my arm and put it across your shoulder. "so are we gonna make out?", you ask with that mischievous hint in your voice. your eyes sparkle as if reflecting the stars above.

i make as if pondering the question. then i say: "well, technically if we do, we're not breaking any rules since we got married just last week; but this being Malaysia, i think it's best if we keep the making out sessions to our home."

we laugh, the sound mixing in with crashing of the waves and the occasional chirps of whatever bird flies in these skies at night. for awhile we just sit there. we can't see the beach for sure, as it's almost pitch black towards the sea, but the gentle and rhythmic music of the waves coming to shore let us know that we really are on a beach at night. i think you almost lost yourself in the moment, because your eyes become dreamy at one point. not that i'm complaining. you look to me and smile. you kiss me softly on the cheek.

"do you think we'll get caught if we make out?", you say.

"you're still not over it?", i answer.

"no..! i want your opinion wise guy. do you think some sort of Pasukan Peronda Pencegah Maksiat will apprehend us if we start making out?"

"well..it's dark. there's no one else around. so maybe no. but what if that's what they want us to think? maybe there's a pak lebai hiding in the bushes somewhere, waiting for people like us to start making out."

"but we're married. we can show them our surat nikah."

"do you have it with you now?"

"no. but we could. right?"

"in theory, yeahhh. but i don't think being married entitles you to make out in public. do you want to make out here at the beach?"

"haha...no. this is Malaysia, sayang. if we start making out, most probably we'll end up on the internet as a mobile phone video!!"

"or worst, on the front page of Harian Metro with the headlines "Pasangan Khalwat Bercium2 Di Tepi Pantai"!!"

"yes, exactly..!" you begin to giggle. i just smile.

"so why were you trying hard to make us make out then?"

"hee. just because. i like trying to get you all worked up."

"you do, don't you?"

you just smile back, and lean on me. again we sit there in silence. you pick up your mug of hot chocolate and drink every last drop. then you settle in again. i put my arms around you, and hold you close. softly, barely carried by a now steady and calm breeze, your voice calls out to me.

"hey.."

"hey.." i call back.

"i love you, you know..?"

i sit in silence for a couple of minutes. then i slowly reply, "i know..". i tilt your head gently so that we're face to face. "i love you too", i say and softly kiss you on the lips. you kiss me back, and with a newfound mischief in that beautiful smile of yours, you come out with:

"so i guess we're making out after all, huh?"

:)

-------

Breakfast

after beach

when the alarm clock rang i almost knocked it off the bedside table. i grabbed it and groggily gave a glance: 1030hrs. i wanted to go back to sleep when i smelled a subtle perfume: you. turning around, you were lying on your side in front of me, smiling. i twisted my body so i was facing you.

"what?" i said with my eyes closed.

"nothing. you. sleeping." you say.

"so what's with me sleeping?"

"cute." you say.

"i know i'm cute." i say in a smug but still sleepy voice.

"but only when you're sleeping", you hit back, "most other times, you're irritating"

i open my eyes and frown at this. "so i guess i should sleep all the time then?"

your brows furrow and you exclaim in mocking anger. "no..! who am i gonna talk to if you sleep all the time?". we laugh. in that late morning, with the sun already shining through our bedroom window, the sound of our mingled laughter seemed like the most natural thing in the world. i put an arm around you and pull you close.

"let's just go on sleeping sugar. it's not a working day. i want sleep.", i say.

"nuh-uh. you have something to do today", you say.

"i do? what?"

"you have to make me breakfast!"

i yawn and sit up. you sit up beside me and out your head on my shoulder. i love the way it feels. it reminds me of one of the reasons i love you, and one of the reasons i married you: tenderness.

"i have to make you breakfast? and why can't you do it on your own?", i ask.

"because, we've only been married one week; hence you have to make breakfast for the wife!" you answer.

"i didn't know that was a rule of marriage."

"then there's a lot of things you don't know, wise guy"

"and i suppose you do? have you been married before me?"

"noooo..but still. wouldn't it be sweet?" you say this while batting your eyelashes at me. it melts my heart.

"okay fine. what do you want sayang..?"

your eyes seem to sparkle at this question. triumphantly you almost shout: "nasi lemak!! i already bought the ingredients this morning while you were still sleeping!".

i stare at you amused. i let my body fall into your lap and mumbled: "you planned this didn't you? pandai ehh?"

you giggled. "can you make me nasi lemak?". as an answer i pinched you on the thigh and jumped off the bed. when i turned to look at you all i got was a pillow in the face and you shouting "oooowwww..sakitlah!!" and giggling at the same time.

after i showered and dressed, i went to the kitchen of our cozy apartment to find out you had, indeed, bought all the stuff for nasi lemak. i began preparing the stuff for the condiments. you walk in the kitchen smiling. you're wearing a t-shirt and a cute skirt, and you look just beautiful to me.

"you're lucky you know that," i say to you as i peel some cucumbers.

"yes, i know. but i wanna hear why. from you" you say, smiling.

"you married a cook who loves you and won't mind cooking for you" i say. you cover your mouth in a cute gesture i recognized since the days when we first started dating. when you do that it means you're flattered and blushing. you take a seat at the kitchen counter as i began busying myself. when you offer to help, i decline.

"how am i gonna be good at cooking when you're not gonna let me help?" you protest.

"okay, first of all, cutting cucumbers and boiling eggs isn't exactly rocket..cooking science" i say. "besides, you wanted me to cook for you sayang. so you take a seat and let me do the work for today okay?" i kiss you on the cheek and shoo you off to the living room.

after about three-quarters of an hour i bring out the nasi lemak complete with condiments and invite you to the dining table.

"carry me there?" you say and hold out your arms.

i shook my head. "noooo..." instead i held out my hand, took yours in mine, and seated you myself. i spooned some of the fragrant rice (mama's recipe!) onto your plate with the condiments. i took a seat and motioned to the two pots i had put on the table. both had steam coming out of the spouts.

"tea or coffee?" i ask.

"no chocolate left from last night..?" you ask back.

"chocolate hardly seems the drink for a romantic breakfast don't you think?" i say with a raised eyebrow.

"nasi lemak isn't romantic"

"then why did you want nasi lemak then?"

"because i was hungry wise guy! hihi. but for you, nasi lemak can be a romantic dish"

"it is isn't it? creamy..spicy.."

"oily?" you say through a mouthful of nasi lemak and sambal ikan bilis.

"cholesterol-ly?" i remark. at this you laugh and almost spit out your mouthful. i pat your back. "eat properly dear."

after breakfast (or brunch, more like it) you and i just lazed around on the sofa, talking. you leaned on me. i steal glances at you from time to time, a habit from our earlier days together. you always noticed back then, and you notice it even now.

"you don't have to steal glances at me sayang.." you say softly.

"i can't help it.. it's habit" i answer.

"hee. well you don't have to. you can just look at me.." you say and tilt my head so we were face to face. you put a hand to my face and gave me a long, deep kiss on the lips, a kiss i gladly returned. time slowed down for that moment, it seemed.

you broke the kiss and smiled. your eyes were still closed. then you gave a little giggle, as if someone was tickling your feet. i smiled, amused.

"what is it?" i ask in a gentle voice. our noses were still touching. you opened your eyes and put your forehead to mine. still smiling, you say "you smell like nasi lemak..~" and giggled again. i gave a small laugh of my own.

"so do you sugar.." i said and i kissed you again, softly on the forehead this time. "so do you."

Different Seasons

------------------------------------------------------------------------

she stared at him across the table. they were in a restaurant somewhere in KLCC. he was being quiet and evasive.

enough! she thought.

"jumpers, what is it? you're so quiet tonight," she said. she went on, trying to add some humor and bring a smile or words to the lips of her boyfriend. "talk to me, make a fart joke or make fun of that ugly waiter or something". she said this with a smile that, she thought, looked and felt so horribly false and desperate.

but still he didn't say anything, or even smile. instead he begin to fiddle the cutleries and napkin on the table. she rolled her eyes and grabbed his hands.

"jumpers, it's just so unlike you to be quiet like this. now you better tell me what you're hiding in that head of yours or i am leaving this table", she said through gritted teeth.

he let go her hands, and leaned forward at the table.

"we need to talk", he said.

uh-oh, she thought. what now?

"cookie, we need to talk", he repeated, saying her name now.

"ok..ok. so what do you wanna talk about?", she said quietly. her heart started beating faster; conversations that begin with 'we need to talk' are almost always bad ones. she looked at his face; a face she loved very much and wondered what was he going to say.

"cookie, i can't be with you anymore", he said.

those words hit her with such force, she thought she must have almost fallen of her chair.

"cookie..."

"i heard you." she said, short and curt. "..are you moving to another place?"

"no, i--"

"are you gonna study overseas? we can still be together if you are.." she was panicking.

"cookie, i--"

"does your mom hate me? i thought we got along well?" she started talking faster now, babbling about how things can still be okay.

"cookie, listen to me, i--" he tried to interrupt, but she just went on talking. she was on the verge of full blown tears now. maybe because she was realizing something. he, on the other hand, snapped.

"COOKIE, I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!" he said, loud enough so some people at adjacent tables craned their necks to see what was going on. when they saw a young couple, they just turned away.

she had stopped talking. the words that jumpers just said hurt her in places she never knew existed; places so deep inside her heart, she imagined she couldn't even see the bleeding. she had never seen this day coming. she had never thought he would say those words to her. she had thought they'd love each other forever. now he was sitting across from her, his face oddly calm...triumphant even.

"do you have anything to say..?" he asked, much to her shock. she gathered herself, trying hard not to break down.

"why did you just say that..?", she asked. "why did you say you didn't love me anymore..?"

he took a breathe before answering. "because i don't." the bluntness of those words hurt her even more. "i don't think i ever really loved you at all, all these times.."

tears were starting to fall down her face. she felt so crushed. she didn't even care to see if people were looking. to make it all worse, he had said those words calmly, collectively, and while sitting leaning back on his chair.

"jumpers, i love you. i thought we were happy.." she said.

"not anymore.." he replied.

"but why? what did i do wrong..? what can i do better so we can make this work..? jumpers..."

"there's nothing you can do. and there's nothing i want you to do. just end this and let me go."

"why? you can't fall out of love for no reason!!" she belted out. she was looking down at her lap with a hand shielding her eyes. suddenly a mobile phone was thrust in front of her. on the screen was a picture of him and a beautiful girl with curly, raven hair. she looked up at him. he nodded.

"that is why." he said. "i've been seeing her for a few months now... and she just makes me feel..so good. she does things that you never did; she makes me feel alive. you? you just loved me."

she couldn't believe he was saying this. "you're lying" she said. "you're just showing me this."

he smiled. he smiled. "nopes. remember those times i couldn't go out with you?". this question threw her off guard; since the past few months she hadn't seen him all that often. in fact, she thought, this is the first date we've had in weeks..and what a date it was turning out to be.

"face it cookie," he said, still in that calm and collective voice. "we're through. i don't love you anymore."

she wiped her eyes. for the moment the tears were in check.

"what did i do wrong to you..? i loved you with all my heart. even now as we're speaking, i love you... but you went behind my back and cheated on me." she said, anger mixing in with the heart-break.

he smiled again. the fact that it was a smile she adored and dreamed about hurt her a thousand-fold more. incredibly he gave a small laugh.

"cookie cookie cookie. we've been together for what? 3 years? i got bored. there was nothing in it for me. love is so overrated these days", he said.

"but love means so much!", she said, frantically. she realized this was a mistake, talking to him. he laughed again, a sound which once was so sweet to her. now it just seemed cruel.

"see? that's why i got bored. you're weak cookie. all you care about is love. and that same love makes you weak. a pussy. love won't take you anywhere. face it: love is shit. all love does is make you blind and konon-nya selfless. screw that. i want to be selfish at times. "

she just stared at him as he said that. "then why are you with this curly haired bitch?" she asked, trying to make him feel guilty. she was wrong.

"well..", he smiled, "she...gives me what i want..no love pre-requisite, no love required."

cookie sat there stunned. for a few moments she looked at him. finally she got up and left. her parting words:

"go. to. hell."

jumpers just smiled, and gave her a mocking wave goodbye.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

she was furious and hot-headed as she walked out of the restaurant and into the KLCC park. everywhere she could see children running around, tired parents trying to keep up...and she could see young couples, just like her and jumpers sometime ago, walking hand in hand, laughing and teasing and just cherishing their moments together. she felt deeply jealous inside. and for the first time she begin to feel cynical and pessimistic.

hah, she thought as she walked pass by a young couple holding hands. don't bet on hand-holding, that guy might just walk away just for a piece of ass, she thought.

such thoughts and musings went through her mind as she walked through the park; bitter thoughts, hateful thoughts, cynical thoughts. she felt as if she hated everything as a result of what jumpers said to her today. but as she walked and the people began to thin down, the heart-break begin taking over. she suddenly dropped to her knees, put her hands to her face, and cried her heart out. the few people who passed her by just left her alone, shaking their heads thinking about what a state the world is in when a pretty young woman just drops to her knees and cries in public.

after a few moments, she got up and sat down on a bench, eyes still watery and red. she was still sobbing, but managed to get out a hankie and wipe her tears even as they fell down and died on her cheeks. she knew she needed to talk to someone. someone who'll make her feel better, someone who'll comfort her. someone who'll know just what to do to take her mind off things. a best friend who she admires for his loyalty and belief and pure honesty in his own relationship. someone she's known since her school days.

she took out her mobile phone, grimacing when she saw the wallpaper was a picture of her and jumpers. she quickly deleted the picture from her screen and dialed a number.

please please please pickup the phone, she thought. after a few rings a voice answered.

"hello..?"

she felt relieved to hear that voice and managed a small smile. taking a deep breathe (to hide the sobs more than anything), she replied:

"wise guy? can we talk...?"

@---}----------

Cookie Crumbs

this takes place the day after 'different seasons', as told through the eyes, voice and thoughts of cookie

----

i got up out of bed very early, just as it started to rain this morning. still a bit drowsy, but not able to go back sleeping, i went to the bathroom to freshen up. as soon as that was done, i went down to the kitchen to see that mummy was also already up, and preparing breakfast. i surprised her by hugging her from behind as she was mixing in the batter for cucur udang.

"morning mummy..!", i said.

"hey!! ishh. don't surprise me like that. what if i had spat into the cucur?", she complained.

i giggled. "awww mummy. don't be mad at your favorite daughter..~". this was a joke; i was her only daughter. my two older brothers were already married.

mummy smiled. she was a kind hearted woman who used to be a doctor at GH until her retirement 2 years ago. "i'm not mad lah. now help me set up the table. your grumpy old man will be coming down soon. make some coffee too. and remember; he wants it not too sweet,"

"that's gonna be a problem," i giggled "because since i'm so sweet, everything i do will be sweet!"

mummy just shook her head amiably. i went to get small plates and set them at the table. i made a pot of coffee (kopi hang tuah, since you asked) and put that at the table too. then i went back to the kitchen. i sat myself on a stool and watched as mummy fried the cucur udang.

"i didn't see you much last night," she said suddenly. "you came home and went straight to your room..". she asked this warily; i guess mother's can tell when something is going on with their children. i was quiet for awhile. mummy looked at me.

"what's wrong sweetie? you can tell mummy.."

i bit my lower lip. i had tried hard to forget what happened yesterday when i woke up this morning, but now with my mummy's tender and loving gaze, tears begin to well up as i painfully thought of yesterday. with heavy, watery eyes i told mummy:

"jumpers left me."

a sad look passed through mummy's eyes, and she held out her arms. i went to her, as i always have all these years ever since i was a little girl, and cried on her shoulder. she hugged me and i comforted myself in the warmth of her love and embrace. she stroked my hair and whispered calming words to my ears. she knew how much i was in love with jumpers.

as my tears stifled down, i recanted to her what happened yesterday as she finished up frying the cucur udang. all while i talked she nodded her understanding, only asking questions here and there. finally she stood in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders.

"my lovely cookie; i know how sad you must feel right now. but mummy wants you to be strong and wise, okay? i want you not to let yourself fall because of this; remember, there is always hope, and there is always love." she said. "now wipe your tears and let's go eat. your daddy must be at the table already. this cucur udang won't taste as good cold!"

she smiled at me and i smiled back. i loved her so much. i wiped away my reddened eyes and took out the plate of piping hot cucur to the table. daddy was, indeed, already at the table, reading The NST with a cup of coffee in front of him. i set down the plate of cucur and went to kiss him on the cheek.

"morning daddy..", i said.

he looked at me and smiled. he was a lecturer at UM. now he runs his own distribution business. a quiet man, but loving, gentle and very funny when he wants to be. i remembered the times he would surprise me with gifts when i was smaller..up until i was 17 really. i guess even now i am still his little girl.

mummy had taken a seat opposite him, and i took the seat beside her. i plated some cucur for both my parents and had some myself. we talked...well, mummy and me mostly. daddy would say a few things but mostly listened even as he read the paper. mummy and i talked about everything, from how macaroon and clocks (my older brothers) were doing, to what was new at our favorite retail outlets. then mummy excused herself as she had some errands for the house to do. i checked the time and saw that i too, had to be ready for work ( i tought Form 1 and 2 students science at the nearby secondary school: the kids there call me 'cikgu sayuri', as, they said, i look like zhang ziyi in memoirs of a geisha).

i got up and cleared the table. daddy still sat there , finishing up his coffee and newspaper. i took the dirty plates to the kitchen, washed them and had a glass of cold milk. then i went to my room to get ready. as i was just about to climb the stairs, daddy called out to me.

"yes daddy?" i said.

"are you okay dear..?" he asked me. then he took his eyes off the newspaper and looked at me. a look of concern.

"yeah i'm okay. what do you mean daddy..?"

"i heard you and mummy talking in the kitchen..."

i was silent at this. suddenly he got up and walked towards me. he took my hands in his, and held them gently.

"i don't like seeing my little girl in pain.." he said, stroking my hand. "but, like your mummy said: be strong. we'll always be there for you. i'll always be there for you."

i looked at him in the eyes and saw all the love a father could ever have for a daughter in them. i hugged him.

"thank you daddy. i love you."

he smiled at me. "now go and educate our future generation.." he said.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i went up to my room and showered. i thought about yesterday. jumpers' words still rang in my ears. and the look of pure...nothingness on his face still lingered in my mind. i sighed, and fought back tears.

i had cried enough last night. and i had spent hours looking at our pictures together before placing them in a box and putting it on top of my dresser(i still couldn't bear to destroy them). i tore off the pictures of me and him that i stuck to my mirror: pictures since 3 years ago, from the moment when we met at a kenduri of a friend. my eyes were watery, but somehow i managed to restrain myself from crying when i did that. when i finally fell asleep, it must have been about 3am.

my heart still ached badly, but i felt a bit better, and am so glad i have parents that understood me and loved me and cared for me. as i was about to get ready to go, my mobile phone buzzed. a text message. i opened it.

it was from wise guy. the message read:

"dinner is at 8, my place. you know how to get there right? sugar is cooking tonite, so bring some pil chi kitt teck aun, just in case, haha. but be there; we'll talk, okay?"

i smiled. wise guy. a best friend. he always comes through for me.

@---}-------

A Sugary Dinner

(a narrative, from wise guy)

although the kitchen was quite in a mess, i had to admit that sugar did a pretty good job preparing dinner: warm mushroom salad, beef stew with crusty bread, and she even made chocolate pudding for dessert. the only fly in the ointment was the constant calls of "sayang! tolong..!" through-out her time in the kitchen. now all i had to do was clean up after her. i also made a mental note to myself: praise my wife for a job well done. she had spent hours at the supermarket the day before, meticulously looking for her ingredients.

of course there was another thing on my mind: cookie. more specifically, the recent event that had happened to her. when she called me up, she was almost blabbering. all i heard and i could make out was that jumpers had unceremoniously dumped her. so i had told her to calm down, get some time out, and we'll talk later. sugar had noticed my concerned look after cookie's phone call, and had asked me why... which led to an 'interrogation' of sorts, with sugar asking me so many things about cookie. it wasn't that she was jealous: no, it was just her nature to be curious. she ended up sympathizing with cookie, and had asked me to invite cookie to dinner at our house. they have met before, but only in passing. it was at our wedding.

as i was finishing up cleaning the kitchen and sugar was busy making herself look good, the bell rang. i glanced at the time. it was just about a quarter past eight. that had to be cookie. from outside the kitchen i heard sugar calling out that she'll get the door. i washed my hands, dried them on a towel and went to greet our guest.

sugar had already invited cookie in, and now they stood at the doorway, giving the customary girly hug and kiss. cookie had brought a small basket of fruits. buah tangan, i thought. when sugar and her had exchanged pleasantries, she turned to me with a smile. she extended her hand; amusingly, behind her, sugar was mouthing and miming to me: give her a hug. it's okay. i resisted the temptation to laugh, instead i held out my arms and gave cookie a brief hug.

"it's been awhile, hasn't it..?", i said. cookie looked very pretty. she had short hair, and was dressed comfortably in a cardigan and jeans. she smiled warmly, but there were hints of sorrow in her eyes.

"yes..yeah..", cookie said. her eyes were a bit watery.

"well..let's hope you're hungry. or at least you have a metal stomach for what's coming tonight." i said and winked at sugar. the women exchanged smiles, and all of us went to the dinner table. they seated themselves as i offered to get their drinks and set the table. as the ladies chatted away, i thought about cookie. we had first started being friends back when we were in primary school. she was the quiet girl with a heart of gold...but it turned out she wasn't really quiet at all. sensitive, sweet but a good talker, we had spent hours just blabbering about ourselves, our friends, our teachers. it was a friendship that lasted well into high school. i told her about my crushes, and i once helped her get her own high school sweetheart. she was my only best friend who wasn't into sports or girls or girls who play sports in tight clothing. instead she seemed to love science; and i guess she was the only girl in school back then who was a geek and a hottie. but cookie never really got into a serious relationship until she had met jumpers 3 years ago. i met the guy once, in Sungei Wang. trendy guy with an air of cockiness around him. but cookie loved him, and at least she was happy. was.

we didn't see each other much after, mostly because we went to different colleges. but we had always maintained contact, no matter how little. and when she called me up yesterday, clearly in need of someone to speak to, i was more than willing to oblige. thankfully sugar was in the mood to be all sisterly too. i had told her to avoid the topic during dinner though.

i finished these thoughts and brought the ladies their drinks and set the table for dinner. being the only guy there, i plated the food for them, and topped up their drinks. sugar was being her graceful self, and cookie too, cheered up a bit. they talked like old friends, much to my pleasure. i wanted to join in, but instead let them get to know each other more. i did insert a one liner or two (i am called wise guy for a reason), which sugar would rebuff and cookie would laugh at.

"so," i said when there was a gap in their conversation. "how do you like my wife's cooking? did you bring the chi kitt teck auns?"

sugar made a face and cookie laughed.

"come on wise guy. you're not the only cook in the house okay? sugar did a great job. i love your beef stew!" cookie said to both of us.

"thank you! i was so worried it won't turn out nice. and all the time i was cooking i had someone watching over my shoulder and nagging." sugar said and looked at me.

"hey, who was the one who kept calling out 'tolong'?" i shot back. we all laughed. the food was good, and i was proud of my wife.

small talk went on until sugar brought out dessert (too sweet for me; but, as with me, sugar is known as sugar for a reason as well). cookie dutifully played her role as the smitten guest by cleaning every bit of pudding from her small bowl, although my 'cook sense' told me that she too, must have thought the pudding was a bit too sugary, pun intended. but she enjoyed her dinner; that i was sure of. sugar insisted on doing the dishes, so off she went. there was a moment of comfortable silence between cookie and me. it felt like a needed silence, to set the tone. she didn't come here just for dinner.

"so.." i said.

"so.." cookie said.

"you look pretty?" i said.

"haha. why is that a question wise guy?" she laughed.

"because i don't know how to start talking? ehehe. are you alright dear..?"

cookie smiled. "i guess i am. but i wanna talk about sugar first. i feel so bad that i don't know her as well as i should!"

"haha. nah its okay. we went to different colleges, you and i. so of course you haven't gotten the chance to know her."

"i remember you were always talking about the girl in glasses who likes sweets over the phone whenever i called. so you finally got the girl huh?"

"yes.." i smiled. "i took the chance and reaped the reward.."

"alhamdulillah." cookie said. "at your wedding both of you looked so..so glowing. i was jealous, haha."

i just smiled again, nodding.

"4 years ago at that cafe near our campus; that was where i told her i loved her. and in the pouring rain a bit later on she told me she loved me too. i guess we never looked back ever since.and when i asked her to marry me.." i said. cookie smiled and nodded her understanding.

"the rest they say is history?" cookie said softly.

"well, yeah..haha.." i said. "..it was as if she was made for me, you know. i am so glad i took that chance. i am so glad we stood there in the rain.."

"you're a lucky bastard, wise guy" cookie said amiably and sighed. "i'm so happy for you.."

"thanks sweetheart.." i said, with sincere gratitude. just then sugar came back, carrying a tray with 3 mugs of, what else, hot chocolate and marshmallows and a small plate of oreos. i took the tray from her and motioned for the 3 of us to head to the living room to lounge around. i sensed that cookie was getting anxious; it was about time for her to pour her heart out. she didn't really get the chance when she called me.

we took our seats on the floor, where sugar and i had 4 of those big bean cushions laid out. sugar made herself comfortable beside me, and cookie sat cross-legged just in front. she made a comment on how she loved our little apartment. normally i would dismiss these remarks as 'general comments' but coming from cookie, i knew she meant it. the three of us went silent for awhile as we sipped and savored the chocolate. through our open balcony door, a cool breeze came into the living room. i decided to break the silence.

"cookie...what happened the other day?" i said.

she greeted this with silence, gathering her thoughts.

"cookie.." i coaxed. her lower lip started to quiver and she shifted her gaze to her hands; as if on cue, sugar reached out and took cookie's left hand in her own.

"you can tell us, cookie..", sugar said while holding cookie's hand. she broke down, crying. sugar instinctively went to sit beside her and put an arm over her shoulder. cookie rested her head on sugar's shoulder. i sat there in front of them, looking at how they were interacting. it struck me then that ladies seem to have a natural talent for comforting one another; a native sense, i guess. looking at cookie crying and my wife comforting her, two ladies whom i loved albeit in different ways, i could not help but feel touched. sugar and cookie seemed like they were long lost best friends.

cookie then managed to stifle her tears, and slowly told us what happened yesterday. she told us how jumpers had dismissed her as if she was some sort of rubbish. how jumpers had ended a seemingly happy 3 year relationship with all the complexity of flushing down the toilet. when she finished, i had half a mind to drive out, find jumpers and give him a straight right hand to the face. we let her dry her tears before she continued. sugar was still holding her hand.

"i never thought it would end.." cookie said. sugar and i exchanged a look that meant: let her talk. cookie went on.

"i mean, since the day we met at that kenduri and exchanged phone numbers, we never had any major disagreements or sorts.. he was understanding, he was compassionate to me. he was in love with me..! he did so much for me..he gave me everything i ever wanted..so when i heard him say the things he said.." cookie choked a little here. "..when i heard him say those things, i was..i was so shocked, so scared. and he said it all with a poker face...like he had been anticipating that moment all this time.."

cookie wiped her eyes, which were leaking tears again. a look of realization crossed her face. she went on.

"...and he was after all, i guess. for the last few weeks we haven't been seeing each other much..i'm teaching part time at the school, and him being a travelling sort of person, i just assumed he was off..somewhere doing something..but not cheating on me! god..!!!"

cookie was almost losing it; but sugar held her close, and i guess it calmed cookie down.

"the thing that hurt me the most was that even as he was saying those mean things yesterday i was still so damned in love with him. part of me still wanted to beg and plead so that he wouldn't leave me just like that.. then he showed me a picture of him and that..that.."

cookie broke down and cried again, sobbing hoarsely. i gathered my thoughts.

"cookie.." i called to her. i shifted myself closer to her, and i took her free hand in mine. cookie looked up at me, her eyes red and glazed.

"cookie.. i want you to forget that damned jackass; he does not deserve you." i said to cookie. she looked surprised, but did not say anything. sugar, with all the tenderness of a sister, wiped away cookie's tears.

"you're a wonderful and beautiful person..since he had the guts to treat you like that, it's clear that he doesn't have the heart to truly love you", i said. "so i want you to forget him. you deserve much better."

cookie rubbed her eyes. "thanks..thanks. i needed someone to tell me that. to tell me that all isn't lost for me.. wise guy, you know how i can be...i'm a softie.." she said with a sweet but sad smile. i smiled back at her.

"you always were. remember back in high school when you found out that guy you had a crush on already had a girlfriend..?" i said.

she suddenly burst into laughter. sugar looked puzzled, but also relieved that cookie wasn't sobbing anymore.

"that guy! god i almost forgot... i know when i found out i actually didn't come to school the next day because i had been crying the night before and my eyes were puffy and swollen..!" cookie said. we all broke into much needed laughter. sugar made cookie drink her chocolate and eat some oreos. that was typical of sugar; sometimes she seems like so simple a person, who thinks that any problem can be solved with sweets. but i know for a fact she has a beautiful mind... she just doesn't advertise at as much as she should, maybe.

we were quiet again. cookie seemed lost in her thoughts. i was thinking about what to say when sugar asked cookie what was she going to do next.

"well.." cookie said. "i guess nothing... it's not like i'll go on a man-hunt looking for the next mr. right straight away you know.."

sugar did not say anything but smiled at cookie.

"it's better that way for you.." i said to cookie. "and trust me, jumpers will soon realize what a mistake he made, dumping you."

cookie nodded. "it's funny how fast things change, kan..?" she said.

"maybe for the better.." this time sugar spoke. "maybe, insyaallah, this is a fortunate misfortune. i mean, maybe God has a better path laid out for you. a better way.. so fate intervened and made jumpers leave you so that you'd find someone who would truly love you for all time". although the words were spoken to cookie, sugar was looking at me as she said them. cookie noticed this, and looked down at her mug of chocolate as if she had suddenly interrupted a private moment.

"i don't get why some guys do this.." i said. this time both cookie and sugar looked at me.

"i mean, if you didn't love the girl, why be with her in the first place? it can't be just about trying to get some right?"

it was cookie who answered me. "it's because they want to be 'made'. they want to have a reputation.."

"and they think that by being with and dumping girls, they'd be known as a stud or something", sugar finished for cookie. they exchanged an understanding look.

"i've never even thought about doing it before.." i said.

"that's because you're not like other guys, wise guy.."

it was cookie who said that. she went on.

"wise guy, i guess i've never really told you this before... but i think you're probably the most honest guy when it comes to love i know. you're so sincere..so true." cookie said. she turned to sugar. "you know what? back when he had a crush on you, he wouldn't stop talking about you to me whenever we chat on the phone. it was like 24/7 sugar sugar sugar. but when i told him to go for it, he would say 'i have a crush on her; i don't love her yet'".

sugar gave me a look of surprise. i raised my eyebrows at her.

"so when did you fall in love with me?" sugar asked.

"hmmm...it was...it was when i fell in love with you, of course" i answered with a smile. sugar punched me on the thigh. "did he tell you when..?" she asked cookie.

"yes. i think it was a month before you guys actually started dating. he called me up and said 'cookie, i think i love sugar'. i was like "yay! then go for it!'", cookie said.

sugar put her head on my shoulder. i looked at cookie and she looked at me warmly.

"how much," cookie asked. "do you think is up to Fate when it comes to love..? i believe that fate and God has a plan for us, but don't people say that you can choose the path your love is going to take?"

"i believe it too", i said. "and that's why love, i think, is ultimately about choices and sacrifices. you'll always be sacrificing something when it comes to love; that's the part when you choose which path you wanna take your heart through..then only Fate and God will decide if the path you chose was a happy one..or just another path that would lead you to the path".

"and it's funny that you never actually really choose who you love.." sugar said. "i mean, i did not choose to love this monkey beside me, it just happened, and my choice was that i tell him that i loved him too when he told me he loved me..and it wasn't your choice, cookie, to fall in love with jumpers; you just did, and it's not your fault he hurt you.."

"thanks sugar.." cookie said. she was silent for a moment before she said: "was jumpers right...when he said that love is overrated..? he told me that i was weak because i loved too much.."

"no!" sugar answered quickly, almost in defiance. "love is not overrated."

"commercialized, maybe.." i interrupted.

"wise guy! not the time for jokes..!" sugar scolded me. "cookie, love is not overrated. that was just jumpers' excuse to make you feel bad. love is beautiful. love is what makes everything all right. it may not buy you your dream house or car, but what it does is make you feel that you belong. that your place on earth has meaning...your love will make someone happy, and it's love that makes people happy.."

i smiled, the way i usually do when sugar reveals her more philosophical side. cookie nodded slowly.

"and love," sugar continued, "does not make you weak. what is strength anyway? strength is the force and power within you; that love actually makes you stronger"

cookie seemed to get sugar's point. "because when you love, and when you believe in love, it means that you believe in a better hope, and it means that love will give you strength to protect and cherish your loved ones.." cookie said. sugar squeezed cookie's hand.

"there'll always be sadness and heart-break.." sugar said. she looked at me; she wanted me to finish the sentence. so i did.

"..but if you believe in love, there'll always be promise for a better tomorrow", i said.i could finish that line because sugar once wrote it to me on a RM10 bill, after we had a fight once, about a year ago. it has been her 'mantra' ever since.

"you know what's ironic..?" i asked the ladies. "i always used to think about this back then; why are there so many girls who say 'i'm looking for someone sincere' but when they meet these sincere guys, they won't fall for them. instead they'll always end up with jackasses; no offence to you cookie.."

"none taken, haha!" cookie said. "maybe it's because the jerks far outnumber the sweethearts, so they kinda..like, eclipse them, you know?"

"it's like a paradox.." i said.

"it's unfair but that's the way it is..~" sugar said to me. i took her hand and kissed it.

the three of us talked late until the night. we talked about what sugar and i were planning for the future, what cookie would be planning now; mostly though cookie and i exchanged stories from our school days, reminiscing. we talked about the time i broke my leg playing basketball and how my ankle was bent at a 90 degree angle outwards; we talked about how cookie would score near perfect scores in Science and Maths and how i used to call her 'nerdina'; we talked about our high school crushes and we told sugar all sorts of stories involving our friends and teachers and our 'adventures' back then. sugar listened with great interests, and laughed hard when cookie told her that i once stumbled clumsily on stage while accepting an award for, of all things, most books read during that year. sugar listened in to these stories, and i thanked cookie sarcastically for revealing past embarrassments. in turn i told sugar that cookie once had a boy 3 years our junior proclaim his love for her because "kak cookie telah menawan cinta hati saya".

when it was almost midnight cookie said she should go. sugar offered that i should walk cookie to her car, and i obliged. cookie thanked sugar and once again they exchanged the customary girly kiss and hug. they made promises to go out shopping or lunch together, to which i joked that now i would have 2 ladies talking about me behind my back. finally they said their goodbyes and i walked cookie to the parking lot of our apartment complex.

we were silent for a while, walking slowly.

"you're such a lucky bastard, wise guy.." cookie said.

"i know; you told me that" i said.

"well i meant it. she's an amazing girl.. you two were made for each other.. fate?"

"i guess.. maybe i had a hand in that too.."

cookie smiled at me. "thanks..for tonight.." she said.

"it was nothing.." i shrugged.

"no..it meant so much to me. i needed you to come through for me. no one else would have told me to forget about jumpers..no one else would have made me laugh tonight.."

"you're welcome then...so. you're gonna be okay..?" we had arrived at her car now. she unlocked it and opened the door; she stood there for a moment.

"i will be. you may not have noticed, but i was looking at sugar and you the whole night.." she said.

"i know. why..?"

"you two are beautiful together." she said with such utter confidence, i believed it. "take good care of her wise guy; angels don't always appear on earth you know.." i stood there nodding.

"hey wise guy.." she called out to me.

"yeah?"

"i'll get through this right?", she asked.

"sure you will.. it'll take patience and maybe it'll be hard.. but you'll find the strength. you'll get through this." i answered. she stepped away from her car towards me and gave me a hug. "i'll see you around" she said. she went back to her car, got in the seat and fired the engine up. as she backed out of the parking space and was about ready to go, i tapped her window. she rolled it down.

"cookie.."

"yes?"

"there'll always be sadness and heart-break, you know..?" i said.

she looked at me and smiled. it was her who finished the line this time.

"but if you believe in love there'll always be a promise of a better tomorrow.."

cookie rolled up her window, waved goodbye, and drove off into the night.

Heartbeat

a few weeks after 'a sugary dinner'
========================

i have this habit of waking up in the wee hours of the morning. it's something i've been doing ever since i was a teenager. and i find myself doing so right now. glancing at the bedside clock, it reads 0325hrs.

shit, i say in my mind. i sat up slowly so i wouldn't rouse you. then i turn my head to look at you sleeping; adorably, you had on my favorite worn t-shirt(which said 'master of dudes' in the front) and a pair of beach shorts. the ones with 'aloha' written on the sleeves. i smile looking at your peaceful face. it never fails to hit me that you while you look smart, sassy and pretty with your glasses on, it is when you have them off that you transform into a beautiful and graceful angel. ironically your eyesight is as keen as a blind watermelon when you're not wearing them.

i get off the bed and head to the kitchen. i fix myself a cup of hot coffee and head for the balcony of our cozy 3 room apartment. we had put out a nice rattan psychiatrist' couch there, and it is here that i take a seat and stare out into the night. KL seems like a sea of crystalline lights from this vantage point; i take it in.

"oi.."

i shifted in the couch to see you standing in the balcony doorway, your hair all messed up and your eyes half closed.

"can't sleep sayang..?" you say drowsily. this isn't the first time i've waken in the middle of the night. sometimes you just keep on sleeping and i'd join you later; sometimes you wake up as well and join me. go figure.

"no. sorry i woke you up. come here." i say.

you walk, almost stumbling and crash yourself(softly, of course) on the couch. you lay your head on my chest.

"can i have some coffee..?" you ask.

"you want me to make some for you?", i say.

"no. i want yours. boleh tak?"

"eheh. of course you can dear. here."

you take the cup of coffee from me and take a few sips. suddenly you grimace a bit.

"it's bitter!" you exclaim.

i smile. "not everyone has a sweet-tooth like you do, sugar".

you grumble and mumble in annoyance. you rest your head on my chest again. i kiss the top of your head, taking a breathe of your fragrant hair. the scent of a lovely summer garden.

"are you okay..? i always worry when you wake up like this.." you say.

"i'm fine. it's just... habit.." i answer.

"well it isn't healthy. it makes me worry that you have troubles on your mind. am i troubling you wise guy?"

"no sayang, you're not. and i don't have troubles on my mind."

"honest to goodness?"

"yes. if i did, i would tell you right..?"

"i know. i love you wise guy."

"i love you too, sugar."

we sit there in silence. occasionally the faint sound of cars passing by would echo around us. i look out towards KL again. ever shining, never sleeping KL. just as i thought you had fallen asleep, i hear your voice calling me softly.

"hey wise guy.."

"yes, sweetness?" i say.

"i can hear your heartbeat" you say.

"you can?"

"yes."

"then what of it..?" i ask this honestly, not out of annoyance.

"it reminds me of the night you held me in the rain". you look up at me. you squint your eyes because you don't have your glasses on.

"that night when i told you i loved you too" you say.

"i remember that night. why does my heartbeat remind you of it..?" i ask.

"because when you held me in the rain that night, i felt your heartbeat. and your heartbeat told me something."

"what did it tell you..?"

you pause for a moment and edge closer to my face.

"that we'll always be together", you say. i touch your face softly and we kiss. then you lay your head below mine, nuzzling my neck as you did so. then gently you take my hand in yours and put it between your bosom.

"can you feel my heartbeat, wise guy?" you ask.

"yes i can sayang..". indeed, i could feel the steady rhythmic beats of your heart.

"what does it say to you..?"

i pause for a moment, gathering my thoughts.

"it doesn't say anything", i say. you look surprised, but before you could say anything, i went on.

"your heartbeat doesn't say anything.. but it sings. it sings to me that you are the only one i will love 'til the end of my days..." i say. "and i'll give my everything to make sure it'll always sing.."

i bring your hand to my lips and kiss your fingers. your eyes begin to shimmer as if they were reflecting the starlight. you smile, and silently whisper 'i love you' before you lay your head back on my chest.

moments pass by. after quite a long silence, i called out to you but you don't reply. then i felt you take a deep, deep breathe, and only then i realize you have fallen back to sleep. i carry you back to the bedroom, and lay you gently on the bed. i climb back between the sheets. i gaze at your face, and, not for the first time, find myself wondering what beautiful dreams were you having, softly as you lay beside me.

;)

Ice Cream

4 years ago; one week after that night in the rain.
====================================

i took a look in the rear view mirror of my rustbucket of a car one last time before i got out and rang the bell to your house. hmm, i thought as i looked at my hair. finally i rustled my hair one last time. i like looking a bit scruffy; bed-headed. i took the small bouquet of flowers and got out of the car.

just as soon as i got out, however, you were already coming out of your house. as you sat on a bench and tied your shoelaces (i loved it that you wore cute pink nike sneakers), a kindly looking woman stood at the doorway. when you got up, you gave the woman a kiss on both cheeks and walked to the gate. from behind you, the woman gave me a wave, and disappeared back into the house.

"hello wise guy..!" you said, cheerful as a sunflower in full bloom.

"hey sweetness. was that your mom?" i asked.

"yes yes. auntie kettle she is to you."

"seems like a nice lady."

you frowned, albeit in an adorable way.

"she is my mommy. of course she is nice."

i laughed and you took my arm as i led you to the car. as you stepped in i gave you the small bouquet. you took a deep breathe to smell the fragrant flowers, and bat your eyes at me. i got in the car and we drove off.

"so," you said. "where are you taking me for our first date wise guy?"

"well," i said. "first, we're going on a cruise to the south pacific. then we'll paraglide over danau toba, go skiing in aspen, fishing in bahamas, and finally before i send you back home, we'll have dinner in barcelona. how's that sound?"

"ha ha. very funny. seriously, where are you taking me?"

i was quiet for a while. it was kind of difficult to concentrate on driving when you were beside me. all i wanted to do was look at you. finally i answered your question.

"well... we could go all cliche; we go to a movie and have dinner..."

you stared at me a moment. you narrowed your eyes at me.

"you sound like you have something else in mind wise guy.."

i smiled at you. in my most casual voice i said:

"we could go for ice cream and talk.."

you smiled so sweetly then i could have sworn my heart skipped a beat. you took my free hand (i drove an automatic; still do) in yours.

"i'd love ice cream", you said.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"so", i said to you as i brought the ice cream to our table. we were sitting outdoors at a nice cafe nearby a lake. the sky was clear and the stars were out. i couldn't have asked for more.

"so?" you asked back at me whilst sitting with your hands under your chin. you had a slight blush on your cheeks.

"they only had pistachio and durian ice cream left. since i know you don't like durian, i took pistachio." i said.

"you didn't give me the liberty of choosing!"

"it's not exactly like you have a choice, am i right?" i asked back with a grin. little did i see back then that i would have a similar conversation with you 4 years in the future.

"yes", you said. "but you should have let me choose. it's the principal of the matter.."

"i'm sorry then sugar. eat your ice cream.."

you giggled, and dutifully dug your spoon in the dessert. i looked at you as you ate.

"stop staring at me", you said when you finally realized i was looking.

"i can't. you got me captivated" i said.

"you're not even eating your ice cream..!" you scolded playfully. "see, it's all melting and gooey now.."

"i don't care..."i answered with a laugh. "it doesn't really matter anyway. not here, not now.."

you put a hand to your face, and blush. it makes you seem all the more adorable, and it would be a gesture i'd see you do often in the future. for a while we just sat there in silence; you were enjoying your pistachio ice cream, whilst i had left mine to melt. i decided to have a cup of iced coffee instead. when you finished your ice cream, you pushed it aside, cupped your chin in you hands and stared back at me.

"what are you thinking wise guy..?" you said.

"what do you think..?" i asked.

"you're thinking about..me?"

i gave a grateful sigh, to which you laughed at.

"i just can't believe i'm here with you..", i said.

again you blushed, and put a hand to your face.

"i mean..", i said. "when you walked away from the table at the cafe last week i seriously thought that would have been the last i see of you. but here we are now..it's..it's dreamy.."

"love happens.." you said. "even when you don't expect it sayang.."

i snorted a little laugh. "you just called me sayang."

"can't i call you sayang..?" you made a hurt face.

"of course you can..i've been wanting to hear you call me that.." i said. i held out my hand on the table and you took it in yours. i caressed the silky softness of your fingers. honestly at this point i didn't know what to say.

"i don't know what to say", i laughed as i said my thoughts out loud.

you smiled that saccharine smile again and shook you head. "i don't mind.. you're saying so much just by you holding my hand and looking at me.." you said.

i held your hand tighter; i brought your hand you my lips and kissed it gently. you looked surprised but i could see you liked it as well.

"i think.." i said. "all this time before, i missed you being here with me.."

"how could you have missed me..?" you asked, obviously teasing.

"because i was in love with you..?"

you looked down at your lap.

"well then.." you said. "then i guess all this time i've been missing you too.."

you got out of your chair opposite and came to sit beside me. you gently put your head on my shoulder. some other people looked at us; a middle aged couple smiled, probably reminiscing about their own tender days together.

"wise guy.." you said, so softly it was almost inaudible.

"yes sayang..?" i said.

"before we go home tonight, i have something important to tell you.."

"what is it..?"

you giggled.

"i want more ice cream..!"

A Refrigerator Note

dear sugar;

how far is really far sayang?
60, 600 or 6000 miles?
how would we measure it?
is it by the winding rivers,
or by the stretches of land,
that stand wide between us?

i think far is when i can't hold your hands,
and it's when i can't hear your laugh;
far is when i can't enjoy your lovely smile,
and when i'm unable to look into your eyes.
that is how far really far is to me dearest;
and i don't wanna be far away from you.

i love you sugar.

wise guy

After A Prequel, Before Beach

a month before marriage, and thus, 'beach'
=============================

i looked at you across the table as you hungrily tucked into your dinner of tagliatelle with carbonara sauce. i was distracted to the point that my own dinner (beef lasagna with mushrooms) was pretty much untouched in front of me. you were enjoying your dinner so much that you only noticed me looking at you after a few more forkfuls of your pasta.

"hey", you said.

"hey", i said and smiled.

"you haven't touched your dinner sayang. are you alright?"

"haha. yeah, yeah i am. i was watching you eat."

"oh? and why were you doing that..?"

"just because", i grinned and finally began to eat my dinner. we were in a nice italian restaurant in Damansara. you made a stabbing gesture with your fork.

"eee. cucuk mata nanti then you know.." you said playfully. you giggled that little giggle i loved so much and turned the majority of your attention back to the tagliatelle carbonara, pausing only to take sips of iced lemon tea.

eventually we finished our dinner and just sat there, relaxing; we were dining al fresco at the restaurant, our table beneath an awning. the restaurant was situated in a nice suburb, far enough not to be too busy. the night was beautiful; it had just rained a couple of hours back, so the skies were clear and the air cool. the wet pavement glistened beneath the shine of streetlights.

"would you wanna have some dessert sayang..?", i asked. "because i'm definitely having some.."

you bit your lower tongue. you were clearly in a romantic mood tonight, and i could feel your feet brushing my ankles. you gave out an exasperated laugh.

"i just wanna have you, boleh tak..?", you said.

i kept on looking at the menu. "well, that has to come after i have my dessert. i'm having tiramisu. are you sure you just want me after this? you do have to wait ok?", i said. you kicked me in the shin, and i had to laugh despite the kick hitting the spot. it really hurt.

"oh did it hurt? i'm sorry..~" you grimaced and grabbed my hands. i just nodded ok, ok and squeezed your hands in mine. you made a sad face but burst into laughter instead. i motioned to a waiter and ordered my dessert. you decided you wanted to share the tiramisu with me. when the cake came, the waiter set it in the middle of our table along with two little dessert forks. we shared the cake, spooning (or is it forking? haha) each other.

"you do love sweet things do you?" i said as we finished up the dessert.

"yes. why do you think i love you?", you said.

"because i'm incredibly handsome and charming?"

you rolled your eyes playfully. "it's because you're sweet; and i love sweet things, like you said!"

i wiped my mouth with a napkin.

"so", i said. "is that all? i'm sweet?", i grinned.

you squinted your eyes, but you were still rubbing my ankles with your feet. suddenly for some reason you put a hand to your face and blushed; you were also smiling. i looked at you, puzzled, but for some reason comforted.

"i love you because you've given me everything i've ever wanted..", you sighed. we shared a moment of silence. my fingers toyed with your delicate ones. the skin of your hands felt silky smooth.

"wiseguy..", you said. "when was it that you realized you were in love with me?"

i smiled a little. "why?"

"you never really told me when was that. in fact so far in this past 4 years, you've never really told me precisely when it happened.."

i continued to play with your fingers whilst i asked you if you really wanted to know when it was. you nodded hopefully; your shining eyes never diverting their gaze into mine. i took a deep breathe; it wasn't much of a story, but i felt like i needed it.

"it was about a month or two to the date i first started to like you.." i said. you nodded gently.

"but..i'm sorry to say this, at first i thought you were really irritating, and that the reason we hung out together was because we had mutual friends"

"i know! haha", you laughed. "you used to tease me; it wasn't my fault i'm smart and sassy okay"

i smiled. "exactly. i was so irritated that you were more of a smarty pants that i was. i know i was the one who started calling you sugar because you always seemed to be munching on something sweet.."

"and i started calling you wiseguy because you always had this snide comments about me", you said, your eyes reminiscing. i gently squeezed your hands.

"well anyway..i guess you were so irritatingly smart and sassy, in the end i was charmed.. the fact that you're physically smoking hot was the cherry on top of the cake.." i said.

"so i began to like you, and day by day i'd be thinking of you more often. i think at this point i kinda slowed down on the wise guy remarks and comments.." i said, and you nodded your agreement to the memory. your eyes beckoned me to continue, so i did.

"it finally came to a point when i'd be quieter around you, and you started being quieter around me. it only really hit me, though, when one day i woke up in my room and felt this sudden pang of hurt as i thought of you...

"you were this beautiful, smart and just plainly amazing girl. i knew a lot of guys at college wanted you to be their girlfriend.. while i thought i had damaged my chances because of our previous smartpants attitude towards each other..

"so in part because i felt demoralized by myself, i began to act different around you i guess. so one day i called up a best friend and told her 'i think i love sugar'. she told me to go for you, haha.. but she also asked how did i know i loved you", i paused a moment.

you leaned forward at the table. "so how did you know sayang..?" your voice was calm, but in your eyes held an eagerness. again i took a breathe before answering.

"i think i told you that night 4 years ago, at the cafe.... but i'll tell you again: it was when it hurt to think of you; or to even hear your name out loud. it hurt here", i said and pointed to my heart. "and when you started to avoid me, it hurt a lot more..

"but now here i am talking to you; and we're gonna get hitched next month.. so i guess i didn't do too bad huh?" i smiled and you laughed. that laugh made me fall in love with you all over again.

"i remember you telling me that..", you said. "and i remember being afraid, that's why i just.. ran off"

"i know. haha. you almost killed me there and then..", i said.

"it was because i was already in love with you too at the time. so you could say i was charmed by your 'wisdom', haha.. and .when you suddenly became quiet, i missed you. and i began to avoid you because.." you paused.

"because?"

"because i seriously thought you didn't like me. that i drove you off... i was literally shocked when you came up to me and told me how you really felt..and at the same time, past hurts caught up with me. but i was dying to love you at the time..i guess i just needed some moments to take it in, you know?"

"eheh.. i know.." i smiled at you and mouthed the words 'i love you' in silence. you blushed again, and again we shared a comfortable silence between us.

"i can't believe we're actually getting married next month kan sayang..?", you said.

"yuppo. this is sooo life changing, haha. but i'm honestly excited", i said.

"reaaally? haha", you crinkled your nose.

"haha. of course. now i'll have you by my side 24/7.."

"hee. sukanya dia.. but i'm excited as well sayang.."

we shared a meaningful look at each other, a thousand swirling emotions in our eyes.

"you know you're the love of my life sayang.." i said with my head down. this was getting a bit emotional for me.

"i know.. i'm so happy this is happening wiseguy..", you said. and you were beginning to choke up as well.

"me too.. and it's only a month away.."

"a month away to the wedding..?", you asked, smiling.

"nopes.. not just that", i said, and looked at you straight in the eyes.

"a month away to the rest of our lives.."

In A Diary

===============================
4 years ago; 8 months into our relationship
===============================

we had just had a half-an-hour lunch date at the college cafeteria; we don't usually do, but you had to go back to your kampung after classes that day. when we said our bye-byes, you handed me a diary; your diary, a white, leather bound book with a sky blue ribbon on the cover and 'Evie' engraved in gold thread. it was a gift from your mother, you once told me. i've never read it, but i liked the way it looked.

"i want you to read this page", you said, and showed a page which you've marked using colorful paper-clips. "go through if you like; but that page paling penting tau? but please read them at home okay sayang?".

i thumbed through the diary. "what's in them? names and numbers of the people you've dated?", i joked.

"haha, very funny wiseguy..", you said and checked your wristwatch. "i gotta go now. remember; read it at home okay? muah muah dear. see you in two days okay?"

"okay dear..have fun okay? will miss you. will you message me?"

you got up from the table, slung your bag and made as if pondering the question. "you think?", you asked back and smiled. you kissed your fingers and put them to my lips.

"byebye sayang.. i'll message you when i leave and when i get there okay? taa.."

i said my goodbyes and blew her a kiss when she turned around to look at me as she walked away. i put the diary into my bag-pack and went off to my own class. i didn't pay much attention though throughout; my thoughts were on what was in that diary.

-------------------------------------------

as soon as i got back, showered and had a little dinner that evening, i went back up to my room and literally ransacked through the junk i had in my bag(almost throwing a camera lens on the floor) to take out your diary. i didn't know what i was expecting, but i had mixed emotions about reading through the diary. what would it say, and what if i found out things i didn't want to know?

but my fears were unjustified; you mostly wrote about your daily life, and jotted down daily anecdotes and reminders in your diary entries. they were amusing though, and gave me a glimpse of your life when i'm not around. i liked the way you wrote about your parents, your home and even your pet hamsters. those little things endeared you to me even more; and i already loved you so much. finally i flicked open the page you marked. before you wrote on it, it was a plain blank page; now you had decorated it adorably with girlie stuff: ribbons, pink hearts, and an awfully cute stick figure couple representing you and me. "wiseguy+sugar" you wrote above the stick figures. i proceeded to read what was written:

sayang,

first of all, *hugs and kisses*!! it's been 8 months already sayang. ;) it still feels like yesterday we were standing in the rain and i asked you to hold me kan? that moment has been ingrained in my mind and heart; i re-live it time and time again. 8 months isn't exactly cause for celebration, but i just wanted to mark it as a 'special' occasion. boleh tak dear? hihi.

i'm so thankful for you. i think i understand now what you meant when you said people create history when weaving love. because that's what we're doing kan dear? we're making our own stories to tell, our own histories to remember, and maybe even our own futures kan? i'm so thankful i have you now. i know some people say that at our age, we're too young to love. but who are people to assume or say things they don't feel, right? what matters is that we know it's real; we feel it's real. it's enough that you and i know, rite wiseguy? mmuahs.

i love you. i feel like i want to be with you forever. i pray to god we'll be together forever. sayang, remember i told you i've been hurt before? well, before you came into my life, i thought i'd never get over it. i thought i'd never be able to forget the pain; but i did, and i know you had a part to play in it. you gave so much warmth and happiness. i've never felt so loved before in my life (except from mama and abah; hihi). thank you wiseguy.. ;)

i don't know why i'm writing this really. i just felt like it. everytime i look into your eyes dear, my world becomes beautiful. i love you Muhammad Rafar. i really do.

*hugs+kisses*

your Sugar,
Evie Nadia bt Hakimi

i finished reading that page; overleaf you had pasted a photo of us together during our 1st month anniversary; we were at a Secret Recipe restaurant in KL. in the photo we were sitting side by side, and you had your cheek resting on my shoulder. both of us were smiling; happy. i found myself smiling as i looked at the photograph. and then almost as if by telepathy, my phone buzzed. a text message from you.

"i'm back in kampung. have you read my diary sayang?"

i quickly replied: "yups. sweetness sgt, haha. i love you sugar."

you didn't reply immediately. i figured you were probably talking to family members or something, so i let it be. but then about 20 minutes later my phones buzzed again.

you sent: "i know that wise guy :)"

i replied: "know what dear..?"

your reply:

"that you love me."

;)

One

3 years later
==================

i've been with you for 7 years now. that's 4 years of dating; and the past 3 years of marriage. sure, we've had the ups and downs. which relationship doesn't, right? but i guess i could say that you and i have reached a plateau in our relationship. if this was a graph, we'd be at the phase where it's flat, with no sudden peaks or valleys. it's not to say we're not happy; but we're content. maybe there's a reason as to why.

last year, we made a grand decision. one morning when i walked out of the shower, you were standing in front of the dressing table mirror with your t-shirt halfway up your torso, revealing that flat tummy i (and countless other women) admired so much. you wore a look on your face i had immediately recognized as your 'i wonder' look.

"you look fine sayang.. you're not growing sideways..", i said jokingly.

you were startled; i guess you didn't notice me when i came in. you blushed, and gave me a curt smile.

"it's not that..", you said. i waited for the punchline; but none came. you almost always had a cheeky follow up in your lines. i walked to you and embraced you from behind.

"you okay sweetness..?", i asked. you were looking at the mirror, and joined your gaze. you took my hands and placed them on your bare stomach.

"it is very nice to touch, i know..", i said. you smiled again and blew a strand of hair that fell on your face.

"it's flat..", you said. i nodded.

"i want it to be round", you said. i kissed your cheek.

"so you want to be tubby in the gut?"

you turned around and faced me. "no, wiseguy".

you hung your arms on my neck and gazed at me in the eye. the you said those words:

"i want a baby.."

i almost fell to the floor. but we talked about it afterwards, a long, serious discussion. we talked about how it would change our lives forever; but we also talked about how the timing was just right; we were married 2 years last year, and had spend the first 2 years of our marriage enjoying each other. and although when you mentioned you wanted a baby i almost lost it, i felt deep inside that you were ready, and surprisingly, i felt that i was ready. so after that discussion, we made the decision: we were going to try for a baby.

------------------------------------------------------

a year ago we made that decision, and we were still trying. we both went for check-ups to ensure we were both clinically fine and able to have a mini version of me or you. at first, both of us were excited; after all, we were both healthy young adults. the odds were with us. we studied the cycles, we attempted timing. we prayed to Allah to bless us with our first child.

but it's yet to happen, and not for lack of trying. both our moms said "belum rezeki lagi.." and of course they were right. however i was getting worried because you seemed so sad you haven't conceived yet. i could tell you really wanted this to happen. you were really eager to hold our baby in your arms, and nurse him or her and look after him or her.

what really worried me was that for the past few months you were losing your spark; you weren't as bright eyed and cheerful and chirpy like you used to be. you were still there, don't get me wrong, but you were turning quiet. you still joked around, and occasionally made your quirky comments. but the radiance in your eyes were dimmer, and it didn't sound as naturally when it came out from you. to make things worse, when i tried to console you, when i tried to tell you that all we had to do was keep trying and praying, you'd get irritated and often angry. we fought more than once about this whole having a baby thing. you'd accuse me of not really trying, and i'd retaliate by saying you were too impatient. i want one as much as you do, but not at the expense of the Sugar i knew. i mean, i know things would change and be different; but i just don't want you to turn quiet and lose that beautiful shining light you have in your soul.

-------------------------------------------------------------

all these thoughts were swirling in my head as i was driving aimlessly in the city. i usually had the radio on; but today i was driving in silence. it was late afternoon, about 1630, and the sun was hot and still. not the nicest day in KL. there was a stillness in the air that was annoying me. there was also something else.

last night we had yet another argument, which unfortunately escalated. and again, it was baby related. we were watching the television in our apartment, when suddenly you said:

"wiseguy, wouldn't it be sweet if we had a tiny you between us right now?"

i looked at you and smiled. "yes sayang, it would be..", i said and held you tighter in my arms.

you were quiet for a moment. "that's it?" you said.

that caught me off guard. "what?", i said.

"that's it? 'yes sayang i would be?' wiseguy, why can't you be more enthusiastic about this huh?", you said with sudden fury.

"sugar, i--"

"if you don't want a baby just tell me! but you're trying to be cool with it just makes it worse!"

you pushed me aside and burst into tears.

"sayang..", i started, but you cut me off.

"don't say anything!", you hissed.

i threw my hands up in disbelief, and looked at you.

"sugar.."

"diam!"

"sugar, listen to me.."

"just tell me that you're not really ready to have a child! i'd accept it!"

"SUGAR, LISTEN!", i said sternly and held your shoulders. you stared at me with watery eyes.

"sugar, i want a baby as much as you do.. believe me; but you have got to be patient. have you seen yourself lately? you're not smiling as much as you used to, and you're not as 'sugary' as you always were. what's the matter? you can't force these things sweetheart."

i opened up my arms to hug you; much to my hurt, you pushed me away again.

"so you're saying i'm too obsessed about this? huh?", you said.

"no, i'm just saying that--"

"you think i have to be smiling for you all the time? make you happy all the time? huh?"

"sugar, that is NOT what i said". i was keeping my voice low; in contrast, yours was getting higher.

"then what wiseguy? what?"

"look, all i said is that we need to be patient, and that YOU need to be calm about this.."

"shut up! just shut up wiseguy. if you're not ready then just tell me; DON'T say I NEED TO BE CALM", you said and got up. you walked to the bedroom and i followed you.

"sugar..", i said and reached for your hand. you turned around with fire in your expression.

"go away. get out and leave me alone. i don't want to see you."

you've never hurt me with words before; with those words, you just did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

when you said those words last night, i was too stunned and hurt to say anything back. you ran to our room crying. i stood still for a few moments, and finally got my car keys and began driving around KL. i knew i should have gone home, but instead i checked into a city hotel and spent the night there. i left my mobile phone on silent mode, thinking that i did not want to interact with anyone. when morning came i hastily checked out and began driving around KL again. i visited some old haunts, found them depressingly different and continued my wandering. i wasn't really thinking much; i just wanted some quiet time.

you and i, we don't fight that often. and when we do, rarely would we say things that hurt deeply. so i guess i was in shock, mostly. i never expected you to say those words, which were echoing in my mind.. and heart.

go away. get out and leave me alone. i don't want to see you.


i genuinely wanted to cry, but i knew i wouldn't want to do that in public. i finally brought myself to a cafe in Jalan Ampang. i wanted a drink, and maybe something to eat. i sat myself down and ordered my meal. when it came i ate it, not particularly savoring the food, but just eating it out of necessity. it was then a familiar voice called out to me.

"wiseguy? wiseguy, is that you?"

i looked towards the direction of the voice and saw a delicate looking young woman, my age, with dark brown hair and honey tanned skin. it took awhile, but when the memory clicked, it clicked loud and clear.

"rosebud?", i said.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

rosebud was my ex; i dated her about 2 years before i met you. we broke up on good terms, when rosebud and her family shifted homes. i last met her on that day we broke up. on occasions we would send each other e-mails, but we had lost touch for quite awhile now. seeing her in front of me now was.. a pleasant surprise. we sat down together and talked talked talked. we reminisced about our memories and the times we spent. finally she got up to go, and we exchanged phone numbers.

that meeting cheered me up a bit... and when i realized i felt cheered up, it made me feel guilty all the more. i checked my mobile phone and saw you had sent me a lot texts; there was also a lot of missed calls from you and even from my parents and friends. you must have gone to them when i went AWOL last night. i decided to go home...

...straight into your arms. you cried and scolded me in alternate bursts. in the end when your tears subsided, you began apologizing for last night, saying you weren't being yourself and that you promised to try not to think or obsess about having a baby.

"i'm sorry..will you forgive me sayang..?", you said.

"it's alright sweetness..", i said in my most soothing voice. we then spent some time in the living room, not doing anything but being quiet. you finally decided you felt tired and wanted to take a hot shower and a nap. you got up to go prepare yourself. just then my phone buzzed. a text message; rosebud.

"wiseguy, are you free tomorrow for lunch? do you want to meet up say, at The Curve? i'm buying - Rosebud"

i pondered the invitation when you came out again, wrapped in your bathrobe and about to go shower.

"wiseguy sayang..", you said. there was a hint of the old sugary sweetness in your voice.

"yes dear..?", i said.

"i love you so much.."

i looked at you for awhile. "i love you too sugar..", i said.

"are you doing anything tomorrow sayang..?", you asked.

"i'm going out for lunch.." ...i am?

"oh. okay." you said. "with who..?"

i almost stammered. "with the guys from the Photo Club.."

"oh..okay..will you be out long?"

"why dear..?"

you paused and looked at your feet. "i just..", you said. "i just thought that...after you go for lunch, we can go to the lake gardens.. have ice cream maybe..?"

"sure..", i smiled. "after lunch, okay?"

you nodded and smiled sweetly. you left me alone then for your shower. i took a look at my phone and the text from rosebud again. i replied:

"sure. lunch at The Curve sounds great.."

i pressed 'send'. rosebud replied saying to meet her there at half past one. i glanced at the message. i could hear faint singing from the shower.

i sat there on the sofa in the living room, looking at the appointment i had just made with an ex-girlfriend of mine. it struck me then that i never mentioned i was married when i met rosebud today. then, like a sledgehammer hitting me in the chest, i realized something.

i was about to meet an ex-girlfriend for lunch; and i had just lied to you about it.