November 4, 2007

Different Seasons

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she stared at him across the table. they were in a restaurant somewhere in KLCC. he was being quiet and evasive.

enough! she thought.

"jumpers, what is it? you're so quiet tonight," she said. she went on, trying to add some humor and bring a smile or words to the lips of her boyfriend. "talk to me, make a fart joke or make fun of that ugly waiter or something". she said this with a smile that, she thought, looked and felt so horribly false and desperate.

but still he didn't say anything, or even smile. instead he begin to fiddle the cutleries and napkin on the table. she rolled her eyes and grabbed his hands.

"jumpers, it's just so unlike you to be quiet like this. now you better tell me what you're hiding in that head of yours or i am leaving this table", she said through gritted teeth.

he let go her hands, and leaned forward at the table.

"we need to talk", he said.

uh-oh, she thought. what now?

"cookie, we need to talk", he repeated, saying her name now.

"ok..ok. so what do you wanna talk about?", she said quietly. her heart started beating faster; conversations that begin with 'we need to talk' are almost always bad ones. she looked at his face; a face she loved very much and wondered what was he going to say.

"cookie, i can't be with you anymore", he said.

those words hit her with such force, she thought she must have almost fallen of her chair.

"cookie..."

"i heard you." she said, short and curt. "..are you moving to another place?"

"no, i--"

"are you gonna study overseas? we can still be together if you are.." she was panicking.

"cookie, i--"

"does your mom hate me? i thought we got along well?" she started talking faster now, babbling about how things can still be okay.

"cookie, listen to me, i--" he tried to interrupt, but she just went on talking. she was on the verge of full blown tears now. maybe because she was realizing something. he, on the other hand, snapped.

"COOKIE, I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!" he said, loud enough so some people at adjacent tables craned their necks to see what was going on. when they saw a young couple, they just turned away.

she had stopped talking. the words that jumpers just said hurt her in places she never knew existed; places so deep inside her heart, she imagined she couldn't even see the bleeding. she had never seen this day coming. she had never thought he would say those words to her. she had thought they'd love each other forever. now he was sitting across from her, his face oddly calm...triumphant even.

"do you have anything to say..?" he asked, much to her shock. she gathered herself, trying hard not to break down.

"why did you just say that..?", she asked. "why did you say you didn't love me anymore..?"

he took a breathe before answering. "because i don't." the bluntness of those words hurt her even more. "i don't think i ever really loved you at all, all these times.."

tears were starting to fall down her face. she felt so crushed. she didn't even care to see if people were looking. to make it all worse, he had said those words calmly, collectively, and while sitting leaning back on his chair.

"jumpers, i love you. i thought we were happy.." she said.

"not anymore.." he replied.

"but why? what did i do wrong..? what can i do better so we can make this work..? jumpers..."

"there's nothing you can do. and there's nothing i want you to do. just end this and let me go."

"why? you can't fall out of love for no reason!!" she belted out. she was looking down at her lap with a hand shielding her eyes. suddenly a mobile phone was thrust in front of her. on the screen was a picture of him and a beautiful girl with curly, raven hair. she looked up at him. he nodded.

"that is why." he said. "i've been seeing her for a few months now... and she just makes me feel..so good. she does things that you never did; she makes me feel alive. you? you just loved me."

she couldn't believe he was saying this. "you're lying" she said. "you're just showing me this."

he smiled. he
smiled. "nopes. remember those times i couldn't go out with you?". this question threw her off guard; since the past few months she hadn't seen him all that often. in fact, she thought, this is the first date we've had in weeks..and what a date it was turning out to be.

"face it cookie," he said, still in that calm and collective voice. "we're through. i don't love you anymore."

she wiped her eyes. for the moment the tears were in check.

"what did i do wrong to you..? i loved you with all my heart. even now as we're speaking, i love you... but you went behind my back and
cheated on me." she said, anger mixing in with the heart-break.

he smiled again. the fact that it was a smile she adored and dreamed about hurt her a thousand-fold more. incredibly he gave a small laugh.

"cookie cookie cookie. we've been together for what? 3 years? i got bored. there was nothing in it for me. love is so overrated these days", he said.

"but love means so much!", she said, frantically. she realized this was a mistake, talking to him. he laughed again, a sound which once was so sweet to her. now it just seemed cruel.

"see? that's why i got bored. you're weak cookie. all you care about is love. and that same love makes you weak. a pussy. love won't take you anywhere. face it: love is shit. all love does is make you blind and konon-nya selfless. screw that. i want to be selfish at times. "

she just stared at him as he said that. "then why are you with this curly haired bitch?" she asked, trying to make him feel guilty. she was wrong.

"well..", he smiled, "she...gives me what i want..no love pre-requisite, no love required."

cookie sat there stunned. for a few moments she looked at him. finally she got up and left. her parting words:

"
go. to. hell."

jumpers just smiled, and gave her a mocking wave goodbye.

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she was furious and hot-headed as she walked out of the restaurant and into the KLCC park. everywhere she could see children running around, tired parents trying to keep up...and she could see young couples, just like her and jumpers sometime ago, walking hand in hand, laughing and teasing and just cherishing their moments together. she felt deeply jealous inside. and for the first time she begin to feel cynical and pessimistic.

hah, she thought as she walked pass by a young couple holding hands. don't bet on hand-holding, that guy might just walk away just for a piece of ass, she thought.

such thoughts and musings went through her mind as she walked through the park; bitter thoughts, hateful thoughts, cynical thoughts. she felt as if she hated everything as a result of what jumpers said to her today. but as she walked and the people began to thin down, the heart-break begin taking over. she suddenly dropped to her knees, put her hands to her face, and cried her heart out. the few people who passed her by just left her alone, shaking their heads thinking about what a state the world is in when a pretty young woman just drops to her knees and cries in public.

after a few moments, she got up and sat down on a bench, eyes still watery and red. she was still sobbing, but managed to get out a hankie and wipe her tears even as they fell down and died on her cheeks. she knew she needed to talk to someone. someone who'll make her feel better, someone who'll comfort her. someone who'll know just what to do to take her mind off things. a best friend who she admires for his loyalty and belief and pure honesty in his own relationship. someone she's known since her school days.

she took out her mobile phone, grimacing when she saw the wallpaper was a picture of her and jumpers. she quickly deleted the picture from her screen and dialed a number.

please please please pickup the phone, she thought. after a few rings a voice answered.

"hello..?"

she felt relieved to hear that voice and managed a small smile. taking a deep breathe (to hide the sobs more than anything), she replied:

"
wise guy? can we talk...?"

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2 comments:

nurdini izni said...

cruel! gahh :/

jas said...

UGHHHHHHH

just pure cruelty! DX