November 4, 2007

In A Diary

4 years ago; 8 months into our relationship

we had just had a half-an-hour lunch date at the college cafeteria; we don't usually do, but you had to go back to your kampung after classes that day. when we said our bye-byes, you handed me a diary; your diary, a white, leather bound book with a sky blue ribbon on the cover and 'Evie' engraved in gold thread. it was a gift from your mother, you once told me. i've never read it, but i liked the way it looked.

"i want you to read this page", you said, and showed a page which you've marked using colorful paper-clips. "go through if you like; but that page paling penting tau? but please read them at home okay sayang?".

i thumbed through the diary. "what's in them? names and numbers of the people you've dated?", i joked.

"haha, very funny wiseguy..", you said and checked your wristwatch. "i gotta go now. remember; read it at home okay? muah muah dear. see you in two days okay?"

"okay dear..have fun okay? will miss you. will you message me?"

you got up from the table, slung your bag and made as if pondering the question. "you think?", you asked back and smiled. you kissed your fingers and put them to my lips.

"byebye sayang.. i'll message you when i leave and when i get there okay? taa.."

i said my goodbyes and blew her a kiss when she turned around to look at me as she walked away. i put the diary into my bag-pack and went off to my own class. i didn't pay much attention though throughout; my thoughts were on what was in that diary.


as soon as i got back, showered and had a little dinner that evening, i went back up to my room and literally ransacked through the junk i had in my bag(almost throwing a camera lens on the floor) to take out your diary. i didn't know what i was expecting, but i had mixed emotions about reading through the diary. what would it say, and what if i found out things i didn't want to know?

but my fears were unjustified; you mostly wrote about your daily life, and jotted down daily anecdotes and reminders in your diary entries. they were amusing though, and gave me a glimpse of your life when i'm not around. i liked the way you wrote about your parents, your home and even your pet hamsters. those little things endeared you to me even more; and i already loved you so much. finally i flicked open the page you marked. before you wrote on it, it was a plain blank page; now you had decorated it adorably with girlie stuff: ribbons, pink hearts, and an awfully cute stick figure couple representing you and me. "wiseguy+sugar" you wrote above the stick figures. i proceeded to read what was written:


first of all, *hugs and kisses*!! it's been 8 months already sayang. ;) it still feels like yesterday we were standing in the rain and i asked you to hold me kan? that moment has been ingrained in my mind and heart; i re-live it time and time again. 8 months isn't exactly cause for celebration, but i just wanted to mark it as a 'special' occasion. boleh tak dear? hihi.

i'm so thankful for you. i think i understand now what you meant when you said people create history when weaving love. because that's what we're doing kan dear? we're making our own stories to tell, our own histories to remember, and maybe even our own futures kan? i'm so thankful i have you now. i know some people say that at our age, we're too young to love. but who are people to assume or say things they don't feel, right? what matters is that we know it's real; we feel it's real. it's enough that you and i know, rite wiseguy? mmuahs.

i love you. i feel like i want to be with you forever. i pray to god we'll be together forever. sayang, remember i told you i've been hurt before? well, before you came into my life, i thought i'd never get over it. i thought i'd never be able to forget the pain; but i did, and i know you had a part to play in it. you gave so much warmth and happiness. i've never felt so loved before in my life (except from mama and abah; hihi). thank you wiseguy.. ;)

i don't know why i'm writing this really. i just felt like it. everytime i look into your eyes dear, my world becomes beautiful. i love you Muhammad Rafar. i really do.


your Sugar,
Evie Nadia bt Hakimi

i finished reading that page; overleaf you had pasted a photo of us together during our 1st month anniversary; we were at a Secret Recipe restaurant in KL. in the photo we were sitting side by side, and you had your cheek resting on my shoulder. both of us were smiling; happy. i found myself smiling as i looked at the photograph. and then almost as if by telepathy, my phone buzzed. a text message from you.

"i'm back in kampung. have you read my diary sayang?"

i quickly replied: "yups. sweetness sgt, haha. i love you sugar."

you didn't reply immediately. i figured you were probably talking to family members or something, so i let it be. but then about 20 minutes later my phones buzzed again.

you sent: "i know that wise guy :)"

i replied: "know what dear..?"

your reply:

"that you love me."


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