November 4, 2007

A Prequel

i remember the day when all this became magical. i'm sure you still do.

we had known each other for almost a year then. you liked calling me 'wise guy' because i always came out with one-liners and other verbal zings. i called you 'sugar' because you were never without something sweet in your hands; candy, ice cream, whatever. and throughout that time i began to like you, and slowly i began falling for you. by then i'd been giving out hints about my ever growing feelings for you and i was so sure you were getting my signals, but you weren't saying anything about it. you just went on as per usual. then suddenly you began to cut me off. you wouldn't return my calls or even see me on campus. i was fighting a growing rebellion now. i had to tell you.

it was a balmy day, a day that would rain, when i saw you sitting at a cafe we frequented as i passed by in my car. you were with your friends; our friends, i should say. i knew this was my one chance to tell you. i parked my car and went directly to your table.

"we need to talk", i said as i pulled up a chair and sat facing you. you just look at me with a vacant expression. our friends, sensing an inevitable emotionally charged moment, backed off.

i looked at you directly in your eyes.

"sugar, i am in love with you." i said. "i am in love with you and i want you to know that. i am in love with you because ever since we met, i've found myself thinking about you almost endlessly. more than that, i am in love with you because i'm finding out that i care too much, so much about you. i know i am in love with you because it breaks my heart when i see you, and it breaks my heart even more when i think that i could never ever be with you, or when i worry that you may not feel the same way. i'm telling you this now because you've been avoiding me for reasons i can't quite fathom. i'm telling you this now because i know that even if it is a long shot, at least i told you how i feel. it hurts so badly when you're not talking to me anymore, or when you seem to refuse seeing me.

"maybe i can't explain this, and maybe there will never be true reasons as to why i'm feeling the way i am; but i am telling you this now, and i want you to know and believe this even if you don't love me: i love you, with every inch of my heart"

i finished that small unrehearsed speech, even if i thought then that it was probably incoherent gibberish to you. i look into your eyes; those eyes that i drown in it's shining beauty.

you stared back at me, and almost absently, you got up and left. you left.

i watched you walk away. our friends began to leave as well; some of them offered me a consoling pat on the back; some just smiled sadly as if to say it was, at least, a good try. by this time i was too stunned by your abrupt departure to say anything. i just clasped my hands together under my chin and sat there at the cafe. outside it was already raining.

after awhile i ordered a glass of kopi-o, just for a bit of warmth to my bones. in my mind i still had you lingering; i didn't know what i expected when i told you all that, but i sure as hell didn't expect you to just get up and leave. my heart at this point was, i guess, slowly breaking apart. i finished my kopi-o and walked back to my car. even in the now heavy rain, i took heavy and slow footsteps.

i unlocked the rustbucket of an automobile i had, and was about to climb in when i heard your voice behind me:

"hey wise-guy."

i spun around and there you were, standing in the rain in front of me. unconsciously, i shut the door of my car so the interior wouldn't get soaked.

"hey....hey you", i stuttered back. you take a step closer towards me.

"i'm sorry about...well, getting up and just rushing off like that..", you said.

"it''s alright. i'm sorry too..maybe i shouldn't have told you all that.. that crap..", i said.

"..crap? no... please don't call it that.."

" seemed like a good idea. maybe just somethings i had to say out loud..or not."

you were silent for about 10 seconds or so, but in the pounding rain and in the moment we were in, it felt like an hour. then you said:

"can i ask you something?"

"..yeah..yes. of course," i reply.

"aren't you afraid of making a mistake?"

"about what?"

"falling in love. with me. loving me."

i paused for a moment to gather my thoughts.

"no." i said.


"no. i'm not afraid of making a mistake."

"why..? what if it was?"

"if it was a mistake.. then i'd learn from it. but i'm not afraid of loving you. falling in love with you was, is, and will probably be the best thing in my life. i think that..i think that people create history when weaving love; and even if you won't love me back, i can look back at this moment in time and be thankful that i met someone like you; that i loved someone like no... i'm not afraid of mistakes.." i said.

again you pause for a moment. your eyes were red by now; i could tell you were crying, your tears mixing in with the rain. i guess people passing by must have thought we were loons to be talking to each other in the rain.

"i didn't mean to stay away from you.." you finally said. "i didn't mean to avoid you or not return your calls."

"then why did you..?" i asked, honestly curious.

"i was afraid of making a mistake. i've been hurt before. and i once said to myself that i never wanted to be hurt again... i admire you, wise guy, because you're not afraid of making a mistake..especially in something as big as falling in love.."

i stood silent at this. i didn't know what to respond to you. i was about to say something (probably gibberish), when you spoke again.

"you say that you love me. that you love me because you can't stop thinking about me, because you find yourself caring so much about me. i feel so honored; so touched when you told me all that; when you told me that you love me.." you said.

"i meant it.. for whatever its worth, i meant...i love you, sugar. i truly love you..", i said. amazingly i, too, was on the verge of breaking up. i looked down at my shoes so you wouldn't see that i was (maybe) about to cry.

"well..i have only one thing left to ask, wise guy.."

i looked up to you; your eyes were down, but in your cheeks was an obvious blush that was clear even in the rain.

i flung my arms around. "so ask me.."

"one last question.."

you stepped closer. we looked each other in the face, raindrops streaming down our cheeks. finally you asked your question:

"will you hold me close..hold me tight in your arms right now so i could tell you that i truly, deeply, love you too...?".



Zaty said...

hey edwan,

why not try making an ebook of this? that'd be awesome ^___^

i've read a few entries of 'TWAY' before, and i JUST found out that you reposted all the entries in a new blog. i'll bookmark this place for future reading cuz my sis is evil and wants to use the comp. argh!


random net user.

Zaty said...

come to think of it,

i can't help but think it's so manga material. i love how you're able to express the atmosphere and thoughts and feelings so clearly.

i can practically picture the dialogs in manga form!

either im way too into manga, or you're an incredible writer. my bet is on the latter tho (bcuz one can never be 'too' into manga ;D)

cheers and all the best!

Zaty said...

oh, on a more serious note,

DO consider copyrighting this. it's such a sad thing if someone plagiarises this or something along those lines. just in cases.

muhammad edwan shaharir said...

hello2. u have so many blogs. haha. but thanks for dropping by. ;)
and thanks for the copyright thingy too. i was thinking about how to do it..~

a z a l i a said...

read it. love it. :)

nurdini izni said...



lily fadzleen. said...

it was my first readng.
i feel lyke ure great.
it bring me to follow up ur wrotes.